Happy Holidays are here again!

          Wow, it seems like it has been FOREVER since I last let you in on the circus that I like to call my life. Just starting into the wonderful holiday season, or as I like to call it the “Seeing old relatives who have no filter since they are probably going to die soon” season. Never to fail, I had my first encounter today.

          I wish I could call this gentleman my family, he is a great guy but more of a friend. I casually ask him how his Thanksgiving holiday had been and he replied, “great, how was yours?”  I said it was wonderful and told him that I had gotten to enjoy my favorite thing.  Without any hesitation he replied, “Eating?”

          Now, to a person of size, this is about as popular as telling a good ole black joke. It’s not funny at all… Immediately he realized his folly and we quietly agreed not to discuss it anymore... Even during the holidays fat girls and boys can’t get a break.

          I’m sure that the majority of people went Black Friday shopping. I did not. This is my second year in a row that I did not participate. I still got the paper and perused the ads as if I were going to venture out but decided to stay home and watch porn on the computer with my husband. Times have changed, I no longer feel the need to rush and taunt complete strangers as I once did for a great deal on a fleece hoodie. The hustle and bustle was getting too violent, and that means a lot coming from someone like me who once welcomed confrontation.

          Probably 10 years or so ago, I was Black Friday shopping with my main objective being one of the 29.00 bicycles that my oldest son Matthew had ask for.  Because it was the main item that I needed, I chose to get in line early and not walk away and lose my place in line. By staying in line for HOURS with the same group of mostly middle aged women, it is easy to form a bond. We began to notice as the time to start the actual sale came closer, that people were not getting into line (as was protocol)but just moving straight to the front of the line and I ask for the security guard to step in and do something. Now, we all know that the security guards that are hired for Black Friday shopping all look like old, retired single wide trailer movers, not at all what should be utilized in a situation such as Black Friday. 

          Black Friday security guards should look like MMA fighters who were kicked out for failed drug screens, some of the situations WILL be worse than they actually faced inside the Octagon. The old fart security guard told me that unfortunately, he could not do anything to make the people get into line. I was infuriated.  I had been following the rules for hours….no bathroom breaks, no cigarette breaks, and having to make conversations with the UCHRA bus riders, by the way who were also following the rules.

          I was so upset just thinking about all those punks who just rolled up out of bed with their sweat pants that said “juicy” on the butt claiming the bike that my son had ask Santa for and I was livid. In a brief moment of insanity, I lit a cigarette. I was standing in the Health and Beauty aids aisle of Wal-Mart and I fired up a Kool 100 and took the longest drag that I could inhale. God, it tasted so good. 

          Unaware that the security guard was apparently watching me, I noticed him shuffling towards me rather spryly. He told me that I would have to extinguish my cigarette immediately as this was a no smoking building. I reminded him that he had just told me that he couldn’t really enforce the rules.  He became more flustered as he pleaded with me to extinguish my cigarette.

          I stood there and smoked that little stick of heaven for a few seconds knowing that every drag I took was causing him major anxiety…I told him that if he made the people go back to the end of the line where they belonged, I would comply.  Again he tried to reason with me and suddenly I heard the familiar sound of several cigarette cases opening and lighters igniting.  I turned around and all my Senior Citizen Posse had all lit up to support my cause.  I could see the scenarios running through Captain Retiree as he paused his speech, stammered for a moment, and made his decision.

          He promptly walked to the front of the line and moved the rule breakers to the back of the line. As soon as we saw that he had finished, we immediately put out our cigarettes and the whole line cheered in unison. I was proud that day. We followed the rules and when the system failed, we pushed the reset button.

          Now, it may not seem like much of a stand, particularly to those who marched in the 60’s with Dr. Martin Luther King, JR, but in my generation, it was just as dangerous… I have witnessed more adult fights over Keurig coffee makers at KOHL’s on Black Friday than anyone should ever have to. It is what I would imagine a full scale riot to be.  I’m getting too old for this shit.