Restless Leg Syndrome is so real, I feel like a fucking Cricket.

So, I'm awake. Against my will I am on the couch with my computer. I am in pain, my restless leg medication must have been switched  with BITCH pills. I am so pissed off. Now that's out of the way I have, however been able to come up with some ideas for things. I blame this on my mother. She plans everything for everyone. Not that they ask, she feels like its her obligation. I am turning into my mother.

My friends Nick and Blair got married last year and just bought a house and I was wondering what Jeremy and I could get them as a housewarming gift. Since Blair is and excellent decorator, this has presented a challenge, until tonight. I have thought of the perfect gift for their new home. I am going to buy them a fire pit. Hopefully they don't already have one, and if they do well, FUCK. I will leave the gift receipt of course.

 Also during this wonderful nocturnal session, I have figured out what I want done in my kitchen in regards to the wall that was removed.  I have made some financial and personal decisions as well.  School starts back for me on Monday. I hope this semester is better than last semester. Last semester sucked. The kids were on some sort of mission to kill me and/or themselves.

 Cooper stuck a broom handle up into the fan blades and shattered the glass globe. I heard the screams as he came running up the hallway with Charleigh Joe clinging to him. They were both covered with blood and both crying. I went into triage mode. I quickly discovered all of the blood was Cooper's when he was trying to talk to me blood spatter was coming from his mouth, the piece of glass had fallen straight down and went through the cartilage of his nose occluding both nares. So all the blood couldn't drain out of his nose, it drained back into his mouth and throat.  Now you and I both know the glass had to be removed, so I did it. Whew, that was bad. I further assessed the wound, and it indicated money, ugh a trip to the ER.

  All of the mothers out there know this to be true never  get hurt unless you are un-bathed. I had been un-bathed and   gowned for 2 days, so I had Cooper sit on the couch with Matthew and an ice pack while I had a quick shower. Yes ladies, I had a kid who needed medical attention and I took 15 minutes to shower. There is no way that I could have ever entered any medical facility with this child and NOT gotten a DHS consult had I not taken a few moments for personal hygiene. Luckily I work with another nurse (Deborah, the one who probably still wears sexy shit to bed, see above blog)whose husband is a surgeon and they agreed to meet us at a local hospital.

 Dr. K took such good care of Cooper and Deborah took such good care of me. I wondered after it was all over with and we were removing the drapes, how poor Charleigh Joe was doing as she was very upset with me taking her Cooper off without her. When we returned home, she was the first one who came running down the front porch steps to greet us. All was well with the world again.

Fast forward 2 weeks to the day for our next summer adventure. Saturday night around bedtime, I'm sitting on the couch with Charleigh Joe no doubt watching Brave for the 12th time that day. Charleigh Joe slips off he arm of the couch and immediately starts crying. I got up and looked at her and I immediately knew she had broken her arm, bad. I told Jeremy, who was on the other couch to get me a good magazine and some silk tape. He handed me a National Geographic and the tape and I carefully splinted the precious babies arm.  Jeremy picked her up and I got the Monkey refillable ice pack (TJ Maxx 7.99) and set it on her arm.

 I had to shower. Once again, I looked homeless. It also gave me time to think logically what to do.  If I take this kid to the same ER I can just bet that we WILL get a DHS home visit. Because really, 2 kids in 2 weeks, it doesn't add up to a Full House episode. I showered and dried my hair, applied some mascara. We loaded up Charleigh Joe and took her to another ER, we immediately were taken back and x-rayed. She had broke both bones in her left forearm and probably needed surgery. Great. After splinting and receiving our discharge teaching and instructions, we went to Wal Greens and picked up her Codeine. She fretted all night and cried out. It was pitiful. The next morning I e-mailed my Speech Professor as I was scheduled to finish my last speech of the semester that day and explained to her that I could not come to class as we were waiting for a call from the orthopedic office to tell us when to come. She was very nice and said I could do it the next day, which was the final day of class.

 All morning I waited for the call and finally we were summoned to the ortho office. We saw a PA and he never even unwrapped her arm. He looked at her x-rays and said she needed surgery and scheduled us the next day to come back and see the surgeon. I called my Professor again and she was very understanding and told me that I could do my speech the next day (final day). I dropped off Jeremy and the baby at the hospital for surgery and sped over to class and discovered I had made it too late. The class had ended without me giving my speech, the biggest graded project of the semester.

I tried to push it back in my mind and went back to Jeremy and Charleigh Joe who were waiting at the hospital. She knew something bad was about to happen, and so did I. She ended up having to get 7mg of Versed before she would let go of Jeremy for them to take her to surgery. I cried like a baby even though I knew they would take such good care of her. It broke my heart. I was comforted by friends in the lobby, my co workers stopped by and nodded knowing that any speaking would cause me to start crying again. Not very long after they took her back, I got the call that she was doing great. When they brought her back in the room, Megan and Pierson (SIL and nephew) and Teresa (BFF) were there bearing gifts for such a brave little girl.

 They said she had done great and hadn't cried at all, until she saw me. She cried and I felt like I was the sorriest person on the face of the planet. She cried and I wanted to hit myself in the head with a shovel. It was horrible. So I called for pain medication immediately. This crying shit had to stop. I was moments away from jumping my fat ass off the roof of the building when she brought it in. It only took a few minutes and a few sips of juice and she was nice and comfortable. No crying.

 This leads us to the final two events of my summer that almost caused me permanent harm, Wyatt's tooth and the van incident. Now before I begin to elaborate, let me give you some background information about me, my mother and our teeth. We are very sensitive about any kind of tooth issue. I have to take Valium for a filling. I have ask to be restrained before, my mother will start crying when you talk about tooth injuries or procedures. 

  I got a call from the local middle school in which Wyatt attends (less than one week into classes) telling me Wyatt had broken off his left front tooth and needed to be picked up. I ask how this had happened and she said Wyatt told her that he tripped over a chair. I called Jeremy and he raced to the school, as soon as they got to the van Wyatt busted out crying and admitted that he did not trip over a chair but had injured his mouth doing the "WORM". Jeremy called me and ask me what he should do, I told him to take him immediately to the dentist for it to be fixed.

Jeremy then told me the real story about what happened, and I briefly considered breaking off his other tooth. Unfortunately it was broken off at a bad point and the dentist felt like waiting a month to see if the tooth was even going to live before we did a root canal, and porcelain crown.

 So now Tone Loc is having to roll around town with one front tooth broken off.  It didn't stop him from going to the school dance the next night. Brave, brave boy. He has more chutzpah than Lady Gaga, cause I can assure you I would have had FMLA filed or had to convert to Islam to hide that anomaly.

 The final event that made this summer memorable was the van incident. I had parked behind the van and Jeremy needed to go to town to pick up the kids. He told me that he knew he didn't have enough gas to get there and was gonna roll to a little mom and pop store a mile down the road and gas up.

He ended up backing over my car (again) and when he pulled off and parked, the van was tilted on a slant.  He was unable to get it restarted it was so low on gas. He went to the back yard and got the gas can for the mower and emptied the contents into the tank, set off for the kids. The van never started again. He eventually went in my car and when he got back, he tinkered and fooled with it until Wyatt came forward and admitted he and Cooper had poured the gas out and filled it with water.

 We did not strike the children. We wanted to. I'm sure that if the 2 previous ER visits requiring surgery weren't enough to get a home visit, what we wanted to do to them surely would. As I said, our summer was horrendous. I can't believe that I survived all that, worked full time and took all of my call back, 16 hours of school, sold MaryKay, and didn't commit suicide. It did enter my mind, but it would have been one more thing for me to do.

Well, I'm going to try to lie back down now. I hope my cricket legs will let me be. I hope there is enough room in the bed for me since Charleigh Joe has more kids than Angelina Jolie in the bed with us. I hope I rest.