Fall Break is over and I still have all 4 kids

                 

I am not the only parent who is so glad fall break is over. I can’t be. They are liars. I am not that bad of a person to wish that I could have just a moment to myself. I want to shit without an audience, I want to have sex without worrying that the kids are making a pipe bomb or have let in the Jehovah’s witnesses. I am never alone. That is why I eat….to soothe my soul and get my nerves calmed down. Little Debbie is a great listener and has never told me no.

I don’t remember being as “busy” as these kids are. Perhaps I was and have blocked it out and if I was then I sincerely apologize to my mother as she must have loved us if we lived through it. The silver lining is that someday my children may be parents. That is when the fun begins. That is when it becomes fulfilling. I can’t wait until my kids grow up and Jeremy and I can visit, and do unto them as they have done unto us.

 We are already compiling a list:

1.       Jeremy will piss all over the bathroom, especially behind the toilet where they have to get on their hands and knees to clean it up. Hopefully enough to rot out the floor.

2.       Drawing on everything they own and cherish with a black sharpie that I seem to pull out of my ass.

3.       Answering the phone and tell people that mama is pooping.

4.       Leave a window open with the AC or heat running

5.       Leave the water hose just dripping.

6.       Randomly drop off animals at their front door.

7.       Hide their mail, keys, pager, etc.

8.       At least once, shit behind a couch

9.       Flush at least one wash cloth down the main toilet

10.   Leave their car doors open thus running down the battery

11.   Hide a random milk cup somewhere until you have cheese

12.   Fill the couch cushions with wrappers, pencils, and miscellaneous items

13.   Stain everything they own with red Kool Aid especially the refrigerator. If at all possible I would like to pour an entire container in the fridge.

14.   Leave “hard to spot” items in the yard to ruin the lawn mower

15.   Constantly leave crumbs on a freshly wiped counter

This is not a complete list of course, I would need more time than is allotted to give a complete list but you get the gist. It’s not that I want to punish my children, I just want to prove to them that our love is the only thing that kept them alive.