Oprah's favorite things

So cold weather is on its way. All of the coats and boots will litter my house. We do have closets and I show them to the children every year, but no luck, they still leave their coats everywhere.  This happens to be my favorite time of the year. With Pumpkin lattes and bonfires. I can wear plenty of clothes to mask the outline of my full-figured self without sweating like a mule at the fair…..Oh, this is my time.

I don’t understand why coats and boots can’t be taken and put away, perhaps they are preparing for a rush evacuation or something. Maybe there is something to it. Perhaps I should make an emergency bag with important things and be ready for the imminent need for an evacuation…Oh, I already did. It’s called a purse.

Along with the cold weather comes the inevitable conversation of what to do with Oprah. My family has 2 birds and 1 dog. Oprah came into our lives about 3 years ago as a “drop and run” dog. Someone saw kid shit in our yard and set her out. She is a very large (some would say fat, I would say full figured) black lab. She was really old 3 years ago, and now she is ancient. The problem is that she is outside and for whatever reason I always get upset when it gets too cold or too hot on that fucking dog. Whomever set her out should get the shingles, the really bad ones that get in their eyes. She was someone’s dog, someone’s family member and they set her out.

I let the old hag in when it’s really cold or really hot. She is just huge, and looks more like a small calf than a dog. She is sway backed and her cataracts are obvious but she comes in and just rests in her corner. She creates no problems with anybody. I feel so bad for her. I know she hurts and she is scared of storms.  I even bought her a memory foam bed for her insulated custom dog condo. She is more human and reasonable than some people I know. What to do?

We have the “put her down” talk every winter. I just feel so bad that she is outside when it’s cold. Yes, I realize she is a dog and they are used to that... but I want her to be comfortable in her final years, and we would have to hire a back hoe to bury her. So the time is upon us once again to have the talk about Oprah.

Because I’m chickenshit, she has another winter coming. I can’t be the one to call the shots and say that your time is up. I only pull that shit at the red box. I guess she’ll be leaving her coat and boots out for another year.