Valentines Day rules

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. I’m sure that Wal Mart has their wide array of cheap polyester nighties all lined up for sale and the Winnie the Pooh valentine shirts for the “big girls” who cannot wear the nighties. The aisle of valentine candy and chocolates is probably full of last minute shoppers who are trying hard to remedy their decision to wait.

To all the lonely women out there who will be forced to watch others desks fill up with arrangements of flowers, fear not as I have a solution. First and foremost have at least 2 arrangements delivered to yourself with only the initial D on the card. Then as the day wears on, slide around to the forward facing portion of the desk and secretly remove the cards from the bitch’s desk. You know, the ones who are so full of flowers that they smell like the funeral home….and write some crude message or gross co-workers name on the card and quietly slip it back in. She will be too busy showing off her flowers to notice that the card says, I can’t wait to screw you up the ass. Now, whether you think this is “right” or “not funny”, fuck you as you have obviously never been alone on Valentine’s Day.  

 Now is the time that all men should be finalizing the plans that will woo their mate. Instead, these men will wait until tomorrow and rush and make poor choices. They play “beat the clock” and start looking at gift sets. When I say gift sets, I mean lotions and cheap perfumes. No woman should be forced to wear White Diamonds because of poor planning. It’s just not right but oftentimes it’s just how it goes. This day is set aside each year to show your loved ones just how much you love and adore them, how you couldn’t live without them, and how you must show your affection by spending money on them.

Not that I am opposed to receiving expensive gifts… it’s just that we should show our loved ones daily how much we love them. I do this daily by not killing, maiming, or intentionally emotionally scarring them. I know the cold hard truth, that God gave us a thing called mothers love. He did this so we wouldn’t eat our children as soon as they were born, like pigs do. He foresaw all of the crayon wall drawings, washcloths flushed down the toilet, and last minute science projects. He knew that unless he gave us this special love that forgives, we would turn into pigs.

Other types of love I experience is the love of a mate. I have the world’s best mate. He is the love of my life and I could not breathe without him, I am lost without him. Now, with that being said I can guarantee he has not planned anything for Valentine’s Day yet. He will get the kids off to school tomorrow and then set about trying to plan/purchase something for me. Not that it bothers me at all, I would be satisfied with a card with his sentiments and a good screw; and some chocolate covered cherries would be nice.

I spent the noon time hour with my favorite urology practitioner and friend. “Connie” is one of those people that when you meet, you know that you have found a kindred spirit. She is one of the smartest and down-to-earth people I have ever met. You know where you stand and I like that. She always makes me feel at peace (which is hard to do when you are talking about my pee-pee hole) and manages to make me smile when I don’t feel like it. CT scan, kidney stone is over! It only took 2 weeks of misery for me to pass it. It was worth it just to get to see my friend.

Just as I suspected, Jeremy has plans to run to town to pick up Valentines for Cooper and Charleigh Joe to take to school. I reminded him and he immediately went into planning mode. He always seems to pull it off. I can’t understand his methods but as long as manages to get things done. He knows his strengths and uses them to his advantage.  

I am proud to announce that I am going to be an auntie once again! My brother Chad and his wonderful wife Megan are expecting a baby girl due in July. I am so excited. I’ve had baby fever as Charleigh Joe will soon be turning 3. I was prepared to look into buying a newborn and now I won’t have to commit a felony. I’ll have a new baby to hold and spoil, and a girl at that. That makes me very happy.

Goodbye Randall, we will sure miss you.

          So, “Tim” and I have made amends. I think he has kissed enough ass to cover his indiscretion. Perhaps now he will judge a little under what he truly believes…I have been a nervous wreck all week. I have eaten until I am ashamed. I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I stole it, fell off and was ran over by both of the right sided wheels…and I may have eaten it as no further citing’s have been reported.

It started with a kidney stone (which I still have ownership of). The reason I still know it is there is not the pain….it is the sensation of pissing razor blades that alludes to its presence. The excruciating pain waxes and wanes, but the burn is always there. I am taking my Flomax (a medication for enlarged prostate, like I need that rumor started) and it seems to be helping. I only hope this passes on its own as the surgery and stents are worse than an STD (not that I know what an STD feels like…).

Work has been horrendous. On top of regular work we have been attending computer class. Going to a computer training class with 45 or so people to learn a new system is torture. I would rather spend that 4 hour block of my life being pursued by Anton Sugaar (No Country for Old Men) just as long as it was only for 4 hours. If you know who I’m talking about, you’ll realize how bad I hate class.

The reason I hate computer class so much is that I always seems to get in the same class as the people who still are unable to use a copy machine. The grandma’s of the world who don’t have smartphones. The old farts who still use their home phone numbers for shit. These are the people who utilize 85% of the instructor’s time and energy to get a few points across. The remaining 15% of us have already figured it out and are feeling particularly violent when granny brings up something we have already went over or gets lost. I was gritting my teeth so hard I’m sure I’ve done permanent damage from the last session and I get to do it all over again tomorrow.

We had a going away part for one of my co-workers Friday. Randall will be missed. I tried to take plenty of pictures at his going away party. I edited them as best that I could but Jeremy pointed out something that I had never noticed…He looks just like Quaker Oats guy, Wilford Brimley!! I could not believe the resemblance. Don’t ask him about his Diabeetus!

We wish him all the best, he deserves it. Like I said, it’s been quite a week. All of my children have tried my patience as a RESPONSIBLE parent this weekend. Cooper has been off the wall, bat shit crazy. He has toggled between wide open nuts and emotional. Kind of like me when I’m on my period but have been to Hobby Lobby and started a project. Charleigh Joe has pissed in every pair of panties she owns. She just came up to me and told me she was leaving and needed 3 dollars. Apparently she has developed a drinking problem which explains the incontinence. I gave her 6 and told her to get her brother one as well.

Why does life have to be so hard? Why can’t I just have all the answers? I waited all week to finish my homework and it was horrendous. Why did I do that? I have no idea why my mind works the way that it does. I just go with it. That is all I can do for now. I should be getting ready for tomorrow. Back to work I go, or computer class for the morning. I’ll probably be seated next to Jitterbug. I should probably take some Benadryl to slow my reactions. It has saved me before. Never underestimate the uses for antihistamines. They aren’t just for allergies.

 I looked at the weather and see that is should start snowing around 2300 tonight. I didn’t tell Jeremy, I didn’t feel like watching him break down. I’m going to be one happy girl when they cancel Spring Break for all these “snow days”. My husband and I will drop them all off at school and screw like spider monkeys. We will eat ice cream and watch TV, and laugh at how funny life really is. How we beat them at their own game. I wish.