Maybe I'm not such a scrooge, maybe I'm just jelly....

I know in my last posting I sounded like such a Scrooge and maybe I am. Truth is, this is my favorite time of year and perhaps I’m figuring out that I can’t keep up. When I say keep up, I mean by looking at everyone else’s perfectly decorated shit, it makes me feel incompetent. My tree and decorations look like Pacesetters put it up (no disrespect to Pacesetters as my work looks like their work).

Why does everyone have to put their pictures on Facebook and make me feel like a douche? My poor Charlie Brown Christmas tree and decorations look awful next to the professional looking ones that my friends post. I know that I shouldn’t compare crap but come on….Let up on me guys. I have a lot going on, I can’t be as cool as you all are. I just used a spatula to scrape something off the hardwood floor that wouldn’t come up with the mop. I’m so not in your league. Quit showing me just how incompetent that I really am.

Everyone has their monogrammed wreaths on their front door and my front door barely closes. Their delicious treats laid out for the impromptu guest and if someone comes here unannounced then I hide and be quiet hoping they don’t look in the one uncovered window and see the messy kitchen. I don’t understand how everyone else can do it but I can’t.

I guess the bottom line is I am jealous. I’m jelly of your perfect Pinterest cupcakes and wreaths, your perfectly decorated tree and your ability to entertain guest in a moment’s notice. I am not that woman. I can entertain anyone if they can keep their judgments to themselves as I entertain in my gown. I may eat a bowl of cereal and offer one to you as well.

My seating may or may not have a basket of laundry on it and if the dishwasher is running we will have to use sit closely and use gestures as it is REALLY LOUD. I have worked all my life and have moments that I am proud of, they aren’t as visible as some other things in life and somehow I always manage to focus on the negative. I don’t know why. I AM PROUD OF MY HOME, FAMILY, SUCCESSES AND FAILURES. Most people will not understand why I am proud of my failures but if you think about it, those are lessons learned (usually the hard way).

So I’ll try and organize a little better and keep the laundry caught up if you want to come and visit. I will be proud of my paltry decorations and show them proudly as each piece means something special to me, including the Festivus pole.

I hate decorating for Christmas!

          Today is the day, Black Friday. It seems to have become much more of a holiday than Thanksgiving. It is Black for a lot of reasons those including that “push and shove” fighting over reduced merchandise, the cleaning up of then endless dishes that seem to appear from nowhere, and that is when the Christmas tree goes up a the Neville home.

          I see all of the Facebook photos of everyone else’s wonderfully decorated homes and I feel somewhat bad about my dislike of decorating. When I had one or two kids, it was not that big of a headache but when our family grew and our house shrank…..It was not so cheerful. The actual tree was never a live tree as I don’t need one more thing to take care of and every year I say how next year we are getting a new tree as half the lights on our pre lit tree don’t work. We still have that tree…

          Our house’s size is not the only headache, my second son Wyatt also has a sensor that detects when my stress level is peaking and he always decides to move one of his chess pieces. He LOVES to ask ridiculous questions that have nothing to do with the current situation. This causes your stress level, to peak causing you to have a cursing fit that would make some people uncomfortable. When I say uncomfortable I mean really uncomfortable.

          Another thorn in my side is that Cooper is bouncing off the walls as usual and he has a hard time following instructions. I mean this in the most loving way but sometimes he is an ass. When I have had little to no sleep and am feeling stressed, it may not be the time to actually let me count all the way to two before you cease and desist your unsatisfactory behavior.

          I had little to no sleep as I was in the ER with our Charleigh Joe until late last night. It was a holiday and inconvenient, so one of the kids HAD to get sick. It was not Charleigh Joe’s turn but she went anyway. She has pneumonia and a urinary tract infection. Bless her heart, it is amazing what a shot of Rocephin can do. Last night she was so very sick and tonight she is fever free.

          We have had snow twice this week, thus causing the grocery stores to dig deep to find enough milk and bread to market to the public who fears that they will starve in less than 24 hours. I use 24 hours as a basic rule as it has been years since we have had enough snow to keep us in our homes for longer than that.  I have no idea why everyone decides that they need milk and bread if it snows. I have never quite figured that one out. When the weather man forecasts snow, it’s like Black Friday at Save-a-Lot over jugs and loaves.

          I am so stressed out that I need to remain inside with strict instructions that if I try to get to the door, Jeremy is to use any means necessary to keep me in. I would not be upset with me if he used physical force or a tranquilizer gun to stop me.  I understand when I get this way and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only imagine how my day would have ended had I went shopping. If not in jail, then someone would have bailed me out. I have watched some of the fights on YouTube and I think I could have taken most of the aggressors, men or women.

          I treated Louse Von Bulow again and my hands have that familiar scent of NIX. I didn’t see a single member or evidence of anything but he was treated anyway. Perhaps that is another reason my Black Friday was truly black.

          Whatever the reason incessant and inappropriate questions, decorating my tiny home with only the assistance of untrained and unruly staff, or treating Louse Von Bulow, my day has not been great. I hope that this is not a chronic condition as I am not the most “cheerful” person anyway…..

           

Louse Von Bulow and mama's perfect Christmas

          Home from another long day at work only to be met at the door by Louse Von Bulow aka Cooper, in a made for TV movie whine-a-thon. I cannot stand a child that whines (which of course I have several of them) and I truly just wish that they would file their complaint so I could deal with it. Instead they feel as if whining is going to make me more apathetic to their cause. I don’t care. I hate whining.

          I swear ever since our “locust issue” my head has itched off! I even had the assistant director of the daycare to check my head again for any, l_ c _. It’s such a dirty word I cannot even write about it. You know you are a friend when someone can ask you to check their head for bugs. That’s a true friend. That’s someone you can call and ask anything to. That is a good as blood kin.

          Our first snow of the year came today, everyone go get your milk and bread. I swear I get so tired of people racing to the store to get milk and bread every time it flurries. I truly think that the weather men must be getting kickbacks from the bread and milk people because all they have to do is mention precipitation and every old fart in town is at Save a Lot buying up the milk and bread. Fools like me who have yet to rush out into the madness in search of these coveted items, have yet to lose a child to starvation or rickets. Imagine that….

          I truly do love the snow and I feel all childlike when I see the flakes falling down. I want to run and play, and then I realize that I am closer to 40 than 30 and I am morbidly obese, and shouldn’t run without a cardiologist statement. Oh well, so much for that fantasy. I guess I could walk at a brisk pace to the aisle Little Debbie Christmas Cakes are located…that is kind of the same thing, right?

          I only work 3 days this week as it is Thanksgiving. I have full intentions of trying to rest and spend time with my family (except Louse Von Bulow, just kidding). I intend on cooking a turkey and all the trimmings. I am a pretty good cook, as most full figured women are. I will put up our tree and begin our daily ritual of watching a Christmas Story. I don’t know what the appeal of this story is but it is one of my favorite movies and it makes me happy. Ralphie gets his prize and one day, perhaps I will have the Christmas morning that everyone is happy and gets exactly what they want.

          That is why it is a movie. There is always someone that is disappointed and someone who is verbal about being shortchanged. Those are the Christmas mornings that I usually am blessed with. No one realizes how much I do to try and make their Christmas as perfect and happy as I possibly can. Oh well, I’m just the mother, don’t worry about me. I spent my Christmas money on the family size bottle of NIX as Cooper gave me my “present” early…..

Strawberry margarita's and innuendos.

          As the work day was ending, I was walking out with some coworkers and one of them mentioned that he was going out for dinner with another coworker. Two men having dinner on a Friday night….It may be completely innocent but if someone orders a strawberry margarita, I’m not going to ask any questions.

          There are just some things that heterosexual men should not do as it alludes to a different preference. Ordering a strawberry margarita is one of those things. Another thing that could be perceived wrong is when men wear unisex clothing that is WAY too tight (which we also saw as we were leaving). This dude was wearing scrubs that were at least 2 sizes too small and he had more nuts showing than a pecan pie. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him. Who let him walk out of the house like that because the creases in the uniform told me that perhaps his mom or granny took the time to iron them to the point they could have stood alone.

          I just don’t understand why people choose to participate in random acts of weirdness. I just don’t think that I could sit quietly as a friend wore the nut hugger pants or ordered a girly drink. This is WHY we have friends. They are the ones who tell us that we need to get our moustache waxed and warn us against perming our hair. Friends and peer feedback is essential to a “normal” life.

          Now I really don’t feel like fielding comments that I have something against homosexuals. That is ludicrous, I love all people regardless of trivial things such as sexual preference. I do however take great offense to a stranger wearing a pair of pants that clearly shows off his franks and beans. I cannot work with that. I cannot communicate with him, or vice versa a woman with the “camel toe”.

          The men ordering girly drinks just invalidates their manliness. It’s like wear. Don’t do it, I form opinions about you like you squat to pee and you wear clear fingernail polish and lip gloss. It makes me uncomfortable in the same way that you would feel uncomfortable if I were to start dipping Copenhagen. I know my boundaries. Please know your boundaries and we will equally respect them.

          That being said, those who go against the grain make our life colorful and give us things to talk about as we gather in groups. Everyone gossips, everyone finds a way to justify the act in their own mind without it being harmful. A friend tells you that you have a hanger out your nose, or have a random hair that is touching. An acquaintance tells everyone else until your friend over hears and tells you. It’s the circle of life…..

I just want to go to bed....

          Well, well. I have found myself at the sleep center once again. I really didn’t realize that I would have to come back again but somehow a little “staycation” at the hospital seems kinda right. I have had a slow week up until tonight.

          It all started to fall apart when my mouth came full circle and Charleigh Joe became the final child to utter profanity. All children do it, some just keep doing it (me). The same rule goes with biting, children all bite. Their animal instinct comes out and they are like a pack of wild animals as soon as you turn your back. I believe it is inate, inborn, and cannot be stopped.

          Another thing with kids that is inevitable is at some point you will experience the plague called head lice…..I personally believe this is the specific plague that Jesus mentions in the Bible. They called it locusts, I call it head lice or head locust. The first sign is a kid that is randomly scratching their head for no reason….Your stomach drops to the floor because what is to follow is a process that is really month long and extremely exhausting.

          I spotted Cooper scratching his head this evening as soon as I came home from work….Holy shit was I scared. One child with head lice cause a mother to commit suicide every 60 seconds, and I was afraid for my own safety. I calmly ask him to sit in the kitchen chair and I broke out the super duper lice comb that was purchased on the first occasion my house was infested.

          I slowly and methodically went inch by inch through his thick mane of glossy blonde hair relaxing a bit with each clear square and then I saw it. Yes, the boy had lice! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  This is one of those deals when you just want to run away, just forget your responsibilities and leave, but instead I broke out the “foster family” size bottle of NIX shampoo and set out to treating the infested boy.

          After his “treatment” was applied, I calmly ask Wyatt to sit in the chair and as he saw Cooper he knew what was up and  practically burst into tears. He remembered the last time, and what a toll it took on everyone. The constant checks, linen changes, laundry, treatments, and tears that it took to clear up the outbreak.

          Thankfully no one else in the house had any evidence of “you know” and I set out to changing linens and such. It is one of the worst things in the world to treat and no matter what, you constantly itch. I think that I would rather have chlamydia than head lice. It truly is the plague and can strike at any moment.

          My wonderful little Cooper, who took our bank statement to school today for show and tell and then he brought home lice….I wonder if Craigslist has a place to list a child for sale?

Well, Jeremy got the turkey feather turned in just in time.

          I keep reading all these status’ on Facebook where people are writing what they are thankful for. I am happy to see that we still realize that we SHOULD be thankful for the smallest of things. I am thankful for so many things it is almost silly. I, of course, am thankful for my wonderful family, career, health and ability, friends, etc. but I’m also thankful for my car.

          I also see the statuses were people are posting “x-many” facts that people may or may not know about them. I think that is pretty interesting and I wish those who were doing it would keep it real and make those facts fun.

1.     I am thankful for toilet paper. I don’t even want to wonder what the other solutions might have been.

2.    I am thankful for doors on public bathroom stalls, even if they can still identify you by your shoes.

3.    I am thankful for shellac nail polish.

4.   I am thankful for Gain original scent powder detergent.

5.    I am thankful for my dishwasher.

6.   I am thankful for my awesome car, may she run with me forever.

7.   I am thankful for satellite channels.

8.    I am thankful for credit cards.

9.    I am thankful for diarrhea medications.

10.                       Am thankful for pre- packaged meat.

And now things you may not know about me:

1.     My favorite movie is Gone With the Wind

2.    My favorite color is red

3.    I regret no decisions that I have ever made

4.   I wish just about everyone the best (there is always that one bitch….)

5.    I love snow in winter, I feel like a kid again (one that gets out of school for a hard frost) because I can wear more clothes thus hiding this hardcore body of mine.

6.   I am very particular about my sleeping arrangements (light, sound, sheets, pillows, etc.)And if I don’t get my sleep, it can be detrimental to everyone.

7.   I love my dermatologist as much as some of my family (Dr. Austin Mitchell in Lebanon). He is awesome.

8.    I cry at weddings and not at funerals.

9.    I love shopping at Goodwill, dirty little secret. You’d be surprised who else you see there….

10.           I’m actually a pretty cool person, come sit by me next time and I’ll show ya.

Pinterest and turkey feathers

            My first day back to work after the “illness”. I tried in vain today to do the floor to full day, some may call it the couch to 5k. After my illness, it’s floor to 5K. I am in survival mode. I made it the full day, I managed to show up, and try my hardest to do what I was there for.

 I was looking at one of my coworkers and she was wearing a Christmas scrub cap…Great. I need more pressure. I ask her if she had sold out and was on the same holiday schedule as Walmart (who was peddling costumes not more than 2 weeks ago)? The same retailer who now they have their tinsel up for trade. Assholes.

          Like I need a reminder of what a failure that I am as I wait outside of the daycare ready to pick up Charleigh Joe. I can’t remember the code to unlock the door. Great. I will wait until someone comes out but no one lets me in. I try to get someone’s attention through the windows. This looks even worse. I look disheveled with my hair and makeup unkempt, and I am wearing house shoes. I look dangerous, I would not allow this person into my child’s daycare, and I am harmless.

 I am also very glad that the workers knew me as no one was going to allow the “odd woman in her house shoes” looking through the windows into the daycare. I have known these ladies for years and they accept me with all my faults and I know it is a safe place.

          As I get the daycare coordinator’s attention and she allows me access to my fourth born child, Charleigh Joe’s teacher reminds me that Charleigh Joe has not returned her turkey feather that she was to decorate at home….. I really need one more thing to do, this is why I don’t have a goddamn real Christmas tree! I’m really overwhelmed and in survival mode. I am trying to stay afloat, it’s not looking good.

 I’m not a Pinterest whore who can repurpose everything and make cute shit from bleach bottles and bits of old crayons. I’m the crazy lady walking around the daycare looking in windows because I can’t remember the code. I am the one no one wants to make eye contact with, I am the REAL MOM, the one who does well to remember that she’s supposed to pick up the children, remember their names on the first try, and that I must return home each night.

          I don’t need ONE MORE reminder of what a failure I am as a parent. Damn you repurposing bitches, I want you to try my world.  A world where you pray that everyone comes home, and no news is good news. I live in a world where you smell of it before you try it on, eat it, or even ask what it is. I live the life of a woman with 4 awesome kids, a perfect husband, and an inherent dislike of those who can take a random snapshot of their house and not see laundry or toys in the background that must be cropped out later. I am real, and so is my family. Don’t give in to the retail folks who say it’s ok to put up wreaths and tinsel, it’s not time….

          To those who find this offensive, I’m truly sorry. I am jealous of your perfect handmade hair bows, delicious recipes of cranberry sauce, and handmade place settings…..I’m sorry I am jealous. So, fuck off.

          It’s not Christmas time until Little Debbie comes forward with the Christmas tree cakes. So, there you go.

          Day #13: I am thankful that I can laugh and not cry.

Published "almost" Posthumously....I nearly died

                As I rustle through the Arby’s bag looking for the cherry croissant, and a line from a movie runs through my mind……I will find you, and I will eat you. I don’t have much but what I do have is a certain skill set that will make you wish you had not hid (spoken like Liam Neesom in Taken)…..I have grown to understand that I have an eating disorder, and that at least I can joke about It myself.            

            I found the pastry in the bag, and I ate it.

 I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to let the world into my head and that may be a good thing because it is dangerous, but not as dangerous as having a cherry turn-over hiding. I am back full swing into work and this week has been HORRIBLE. Let me put it to you this way, I’d rather been a sex worker this week. I say this because Sex workers make their own hours, choose their own clientele, make their own prices, etc. and I feel like perhaps I could have made more money that way this week.

            Today was just as busy as the rest of the week without the work and illness. I have faced yet another OR demon and lived. What to do when you have diarrhea and you are at work, in scrubs, and can’t leave the room….The answer is simple and succinct: Pray you don’t have to bend over. Not only did I work quite a bit but I was also “under the weather” with a mysterious stomach bug that only caused pain for days and in the final hours of a 19 hour shift in the OR, finally materialized into diarrhea. The kind that brought on cold chills and you literally could feel the fluid shift occurring in your colon. The kind of happening that could cause one to have an “accident” if you catch my drift.

            After all that I had to get up, stomach cramps and all and go to a benefit Tea that I look forward to every year. This year I took not only Charleigh Joe, but also my beautiful niece Karrah Belle. My sister in law Megan accompanied us and made sure that we behaved. We met up with my mother and had lunch and then we came home. I was prepared to take a small nap and then I felt the twinge that I know so well, a kidney stone. I was almost in tears when I took my Flomax.

            After a 30 minute “lie down” I got up and touched up my hair and makeup to hurry and attend the wedding to the year. I was running wide open on the interstate to get to the Duke-Cunanan wedding and I cried like a little girl the entire time they spoke their vows. It was beautiful and Carol was the most beautiful bride. I am so happy for them. Best wishes for a happy and charmed live for the Duke’s.

            On the ride home from the wedding, that was when I spotted and Arby’s and felt like killing a turnover. I love weddings and hate them at the same time. I love the ritual and hope they bring, but I hate the fact that I see everyone else looking so good and I feel like the pastry hunter. I look at how everyone else seems to look so good and I look like I came for the food.

            Abdominal pain, diarrhea, kidney stones, formal events, this week has been bittersweet. I’m sure you are wondering what the sweet part is….I say it’s the turnover.

            I publish this “posthumously” as the stomach virus progressively got worse. It snowballed and I discovered that I did have intercostal spaces as they are sore from heaving. I nearly died, I cannot believe that I have lived through what I have. I now know what my “dry weight” is….I’m not impressed. 

The time is nearing, what to do?

            The pressure is setting in, I need to figure this out. It is a make-or-break situation….What to do with Charleigh Joe’s hair for the Tea and Tiara’s event. I know this sounds so minor and petty but I look forward to this event every year. It is an awesome charity and it also gives me and other mothers the opportunity to dress up our little angels and show them off.

            I was born bald…..not just fine blonde hair, I mean bald as a new possum. Pink and shiny my head was until I was close to 4 years old. I was nicknamed acorn head. Unfortunately, my only daughter was also born with this affliction. Perhaps her condition is not as bad as mine was as she has a fine coat of multi-length strands of CURLY hair. Now, no one (really no one) in my family has curly hair. I have no idea what to do with it.

            It is on my mind constantly. I google looking for ideas to make her hair look appropriate but I do not know what to do with curly hair. I blow dried it straight with a round brush once and she looked like Nancy Grace so…that is out. Her normal routine is after bath I put argan oil and a touch of mousse and blow dry on low with a diffuser……I have no idea what I am doing.

            I thank God every day for my wonderful husband and children, I realize that they were given to me to learn lessons and think about long term and life issues. I’m confused as to the angel with curly hair, what is that lesson? If I leave it as is, she looks like Larry from the Three Stooges. That is unacceptable for this event. I want her to look stunning, I can’t figure out what to do. I dreaming about this shit, I dream that my own hair is falling out. What should I do? What is the lesson, I don’t understand?

            So as I lie next to the sweetest, most thoughtful, most beautiful girl in the world, I again go back to this topic. What should I do? I want her outer beauty to match her inner beauty as she is the most wonderful, sweetest, most pleasant child in the world…..She just has shitty hair. As the event draws closer I am getting more and more nervous.

            I also purchased a ticket for my niece Karrah Belle. She is gorgeous with the long thick locks every mother dreams their daughter will have. I can’t wait until she gets all dressed up and her hair and nails done; she is a princess. I want to make a memory for these girls as they are few in my family. I want them to remember when we made them princesses for the day. I want to empower them that they can be anything they want to be, even with difficult hair. 

"Lindsey" the TP snob....

            Yesterday was a panicky type day as I had nothing to do until a certain time and then everything hit the fan. Luckily I had some great friends to help me out. One of those friends, we’ll call her Lindsey brought up my subject to blog about. What makes a product snob? Such as why are some people not satisfied unless they have a certain brand or type of product, let’s say…..toilet paper?

            As we were finishing up our marathon of activities last night, we went to the bathroom (group bathroom with multiple stalls, not like high school shit) and I heard her bitching about the toilet paper. It really took me for a loop because her favorite jacket has a HUGE hole in the elbow and she is a TP snob? Really? So I had to ask and she replied that yes, she hated cheap toilet paper where her finger was through the paper when she was finished wiping.

            I have used a similar institutional type paper all my life and I know exactly how much pressure you can apply before masturbating in a public bathroom. “Lindsey” must really be giving it a harsh pass if she can break through this type shit. Her point led me to start thinking about other things that are common public bathroom issues.

            A bathroom issue that pisses me off is definitely the hoverer who pisses all over the toilet because their ass is too precious to SIT on the toilet. I cannot begin to express the rage that this has caused me in the past to unknowingly sit down in a puddle of piss?. Why even bother using a public restroom if they are that dangerous that you can’t use a TP circle around it or a toilet seat cover? Why must you ruin an entire stall because your precious ass may get pregnant or diseased or whatever you think can happen??

            Men have problems shitting in public bathrooms. They will abruptly end a shopping trip they have insisted on accompanying you on because they’re coffee kicked in, or won’t go until they have had their daily shit. This is the same creature that will get up at the ass crack of dawn to go fishing and shit off the side of the boat in the daylight. Using a public restroom is for expulsion of urine and feces, it’s no secret that everyone poops.

            Women are a bit more relaxed about bathroom practices. They will feign lactose intolerance or sick and sit in the bathroom pooping while crushing candy or reading emails. We tend to get quieter when there is a larger crowd but we still handle our business.  I don’t know why after all these years that this is still such an issue. Everybody poops.

            Children will readily use a public toilet and manage to touch every single thing in it if you are not diligent and careful. I insist on accompanying my children to the restroom, not because of freaks and pedophiles but because I just know they won’t wash their hands after touching everything. The transistion from when they readily will and will not use a public restroom for #2 happens around age 12 in my experience. There is something about that age that causes some body censor to go off and cannot allow them to defecate in a public area.

            I could go on and on about this subject, “Lindsey” I hope you don’t mind that I used your issue to give me a platform on which to speak…..TP snob.