New Years Eve 2013: Plant food, bath salts, and semen..all in a day's work

       

I have one of the greatest mothers in the world. That being said, sometimes she really surprises me with the comments or beliefs she verbalizes.

       I was skyping (is that even a word) with her and she told me she had hidden her Jobe plant food sticks, “Just in case”. In case of what? A fern broke into the house wanting to eat? I finally realized she was referring to Molly’s Plant food! That opened up a whole issue with me educating my mother on the reason for the names these products are called. All this time she has thought that actual plant food was causing young people around the country to act like pseudo schizophrenic zombies. I have failed as a daughter.

       I feel bad now because she probably has all her old lady “bath salts” and crap hidden as well, just in case…..I was really taken aback by her admission as she is pretty savvy when it comes to the real world. I guess no one told her it wasn’t a verbatim kind of thing. Again, I am to blame on that one.

       Wyatt went to her house tonight to spend the night. I sure am glad she put up her plant food. I’d hate to hear that he was exposed to it and turned green and leafy and tried to eat her face off…

       So, I’m down one kid so what do you do? You allow another one to spend the night. My niece Cindy ask to spend the night and I said sure, why not. I really enjoy having her here. It’s like the best house guest in the world chose your home to come to.

       My satellite is out…that tends to happen when you don’t pay the bill. So now I am forced to watch movies. That, I don’t mind. It’s the fact that I walk in and Jeremy already had a movie going. He has been watching Transformers. Really, a 36 year old man is watching Transformers? Is he playing Mario brothers while he does it? In his footed pajamas? I really shouldn’t give him a hard time as he has been with the children so much since they have been out of school. I should probably be glad that everyone is still potty trained and not reverted back to incontinence.

       I hate movies like that, the kind that are totally unrealistic and yet I’m too lazy to get up and change it. I just turn down the volume so I can barely hear it and try to do something else. Perhaps I should get my ass up and change the movie, as it has played twice since I have been home; but I really don’t care. I’d just as soon see the damn thing burned up, out of the DVD player of course.

       The new puppies are doing great. No accidents. They love me! I came home and they ran and jumped up and were eager to see me. That was a good feeling, I liked it more than I could have ever believed.

       Ike and Tina have been “getting to know” each other quite a bit….We have had to move their cage to our bedroom as I really don’t feel like answering any questions from the younger children about their “fighting”.

It’s like the time many years ago when Matthew and I were watching a crime TV show. The narrator revealed evidence that semen had been found in the van of a suspect…Matthew (probably 9 years old) who was so naive and innocent, ask me what semen was. I told him “men who work on ships” and promptly changed the channel. I stopped watching crime shows with Matthew after that.

New Year’s Eve 2013 has thus far been quite a disappointing day. I hope that 2014 is the year that I finally figure life out, without making all the mistakes that I usually do. I wish everyone (except 2 people and you know who you are) all the best, happiness, love, hope, health, and joy. I hope it is a prosperous year and the memorable one yet.

In Memory of Tina Turner and Oprah Joe Neville, we will always love you.

       Oh wow, what a whirlwind the past 2 days have been. I have been told by numerous people the best way to get over the sadness of a lost dog was to get another….I really tried to take that to heart and give it some thought. In the meantime, Jeremy and I have been looking at pictures and profiles of rescue animals in our neighboring areas, just in case.

        Never did I imagine that I would actually act on my instinct and consider adopting yet. I was wrong. Friday afternoon I found my car driving to the Putnam County animal shelter to “look” at a dachshund mix named “Flower”. I knew as soon as I saw her she was right for our family.

       I adopted her on the spot and a few minutes later, the paperwork was completed and we were ready to leave. Casually the gentleman at the animal shelter mentioned that they hated to split them up, but that she needed to be in a home….What, split “them” up?

       He explained that she had a sister that had been surrendered the same day, “Bambi”. Great, now I have broken up the family. More guilt, more overeating, join the club. I gathered up my half of the broken home and headed for the car. I carefully put her in the car and drove home.

       The children were a bit overwhelming but _______

seemed to handle the attention well. She was perfect for our family, she loved the attention, and was not too high energy. She was housebroken and slept all night without a whimper.

       I got up early the next morn for a scheduled case and she was whimpering….I knew the reason. I had thought about it all night. I had separated her from her sister. I knew I had done something wrong. I had no idea how I was going to afford to get her sister but I had to find a way to get her.

       I worked all morning and everyone was congratulating me on my new member. I told them of her sister that I had to leave behind. One of my coworkers, “Vicki” heard the story and immediately stepped up and offered up the money to get her sister.

       At first, I told her no. I even said no after she said she had planned on making a donation to an animal shelter anyway. I finally caved in and told her that if she truly wanted to, I would take the money and get her sister before she was adopted out to someone else.

       My heart was racing, it seemed like it was the longest case in the world…I was so excited. I called the shelter ahead of time and told them that I would be there to get her and not to adopt her to anyone else. I hoped that they would spread the message, but I was still so scared.

       Meanwhile, I kept checking at home making sure that all was well on the home front. Have you ever heard that women who are always together will tend to ovulate at the same time? Well, after this many stay home day, Jeremy has converted to playing video games and eating peanut butter sandwiches….

       I was sitting at the computer charting when my phone started hammering away with Jeremy calling. I could not take the call and I text him. We had a real problem. Our new dog _______, had killed our female bird Tina Turner Neville.

       Holy shit. How did this happen? Jeremy left the cage open (as we always had) and Tina flew out. Before Jeremy could get to her, _______ had killed her. I felt like a CIA operative: who saw it, have you told anyone, is there any collateral damage, did you close the cage and put it up?

       Now what to do, the children would certainly notice the absence of Tina…..and how to explain what happened? _______ is an animal who did what animals do. I was not angry with her, I was trying to solve the problem. I made a plan, on my way to the shelter, I would stop at PETCO and get another green bird.

       No one at PETCO was in any hurry. I only found one female green parakeet in the HUGE cage at PETCO! Really, one? I finally found a person to help and got out of there as quickly as I could. I made it to the shelter and was holding _______’s sister as soon as I got there. Thankfully they had remembered me and the message had been passed out. As I was waiting to sign the papers, 2 other people came in to adopt her. I am so lucky I got there when I did.

       Her sister had no idea that she would soon be reunited with her and when we pulled up they were like peas and carrots again. Jeremy had been thinking and found the perfect names. Celie and Nettie, from the Color Purple. Two sisters who were apart for a while and reunited.

       Now, while the children were engaged with the dogs, Jeremy replaced the bird to its cage and hid the PETCO box she came in. He buried Tina in a grave next to Oprah. We now have a family plot.

       All has been well, the girls are well loved and seem happy. The new Tina seems to really, really like Ike. I caught them together in the biblical way….. All is well.

How will I ever have a European Cheese Hamper if these kids don't go back to school?

Item #02-4229100 European Cheese Hamper

  

I came home from work early today and walked into the equivalent of a “housedad’s” bad day. Jeremy was standing at the counter with his glasses still on (he HATES wearing them) and was playing one of the kids video games. The children were running around like wild banshees and the house was just….sticky.

          I could tell that I had gotten home just in the nick of time, before he turned into one of “them”. Children have been known to overpower the minds of adults and turn them to mush, or manipulate them in kind of a Stockholm syndrome thing. I do not recognize my own husband. There is a bicycle in the living room. It is time for some order in this house.

          These children need to go back to school before they ruin my husband and therefore ruin my marriage. We need extra school days. I know right now if you put them on the spot, my children wouldn’t know their multiplication tables up to the 12’s. I can guarantee it. It would be a perfect school “project” to work on during the holidays. I bet that given the right amount of advertisement, it would be a hit among those whose marriage was strained because of the holidays.

          Also, what ever happened to putting the child first? My children are the first to school, first to bed, first to be disciplined, etc. I also personally think we aren’t taking care of ourselves because we don’t have enough school days.

 Remember on the airplane, you are supposed to put on your own mask so that you can help others. I didn’t even get a mask, and judging by the state of my husband, he has been without one for WAY too long. I may have to put him down. It’s touch and go.

          I hate losing the daily routine that these long holidays can ruin. I think that we as parents should stand together and demand a more structured environment that includes less holiday time and more school days. It may be all that saves us from them. It is the perfect way to put our children first.

          If anyone has time, I posted a link to The Haters guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog written by a blogger on Deadspin http://deadspin.com/5959212/the-haters-guide-to-the-williams+sonoma-catalog?fb_action_ids=714492621902697&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582 . It was sent to me by my cousin and it is hilarious. Well, to someone like me. Me, meaning poor, uncultured, and unexposed to the finer things in life. That is one fine piece of writing and I hope that I can be that good someday. Take a look at it, drink it in, and laugh your ass off like I did. Every day that I don’t get that European Cheese Hamper is like a knife in my heart. Please, don’t make me wait any longer…..

The Post-Christmas Algorithm

          So Santa came after all. After the year I have had, I did have a backup plan. It started with our smorgasbord of breakfast food and ended in a wave of paper. I think everyone was happy or at least seemed satisfied. When you have 4 children, you will settle for satisfied.

          After breakfast, Jeremy and I immediately set about to clean up and remove all evidence of Christmas for this year. I have had enough. I  rearranged the furniture and took the extra leaf out of the kitchen table. We have snacked on pork products all day. I cooked 3lbs of bacon, 3lbs of sausage links, 3lbs of sausage patties, sausage gravy, chocolate gravy, and biscuits. We will have cloven hooves by morning.  

          I was so exhausted as I did not sleep last night. I have no idea why I had the bout of insomnia that I did. I sat up and watched stupid You Tube videos until the kids got up. I really hope that tonight is not a repeat of last night. I need my sleep. Others need for me to have my sleep, I promise you that.

          I did take a short nap after all of the cleaning was completed and I had showered. It was nice. I felt clean and sleepy and I also convinced Charleigh Joe to lie down with me. When I awoke, I had a bit of a chill and when I came out of my bedroom, I put on an extra shirt. Jeremy immediately jumped up and went straight to the thermostat and adjusted it. How sweet of him. He said he had been cold as well.

          I felt the house getting warmer and Jeremy seemed to get much more comfortable in his attire (which consisted of only a pair of shorts). When the heat continued to run, I questioned him about the settings. He admitted he had set it to 73 degrees! I SCREAMED 73 DEGREES! I CAN’T AFFORD THAT! TURN IT DOWN NOW, PUT ON A SHIRT.

          It’s amazing how love can transcend all except for an electric bill. I cannot believe though how he would even consider turning the heat up to 73 degrees. That is absurd. I cannot even fathom a situation that I would turn up the heat to 73 degrees, how would we pay for that? I would get a burn barrel for the living room first. I would set one of the beds on fire like Farrah Fawcett, or we would all hang out in the laundry room with the dryer on (that’s 6 people, 4 of which are children, in a closet) before I turned the heat up to 73 degrees.

          My poor mother worked today. I hope she has had a good day at work. I’m still on call and hope to remain at home for the duration of my call. I hope I sleep better tonight, warm and cozy at 69 degrees in my bed. I hope Santa is resting his poor self now, because he has had it worse than I have.

          I go back to work tomorrow, and hopefully life will get back to normal. I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Kwanza.  

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

 Well, it’s here. The night that all parents and children alike look forward to and dread at the very same time. Christmas Eve is here and I hope everyone is prepared. I am exhausted. I have done all that I can to make it the best Christmas that I can provide. Someone will be disappointed, it is as predictable as mounds of trash created in just one day. I cannot prevent it.

Today was our Christmas dinner at my mother’s house. I could not attend due to work obligations. I was called in just as we were about to leave and I worked 7 or so hours and came home. I was so hungry from missing both lunch and supper and I just wanted to eat something. No one even brought me home a plate….not a single slice of ham or dollop of potatoes. When I ask Jeremy about my plate, I really thought he was kidding….I guess not.

I wrapped a few last minute gifts while we waited for Santa to call. He calls our house every Christmas Eve to tell the children to go to bed or he won’t stop at our house. They talk about other things, but that is really why he is calling. That was my idea years ago, I don’t regret that one…

Of all the years and all the calls, this year was different. Jeremy had Santa on speakerphone and as soon as he said “ho,ho,ho” the very first time, my Charleigh Joe’s eyes lit up like roman candles! She was so excited. She just chatted him up just like she was greasing a pig. Jeremy and I stared at her because unlike everyone else in this house, she is NOT a talker. Apparently something changed today, I like it.

In the midst of all the planning, shopping, and decorating lies all the memories we are making for our children. They remember things and I want my children to remember the good times during the Christmas season. For instance, it was snowing when I woke up this morning, I was so excited. I love snow and especially snow on Christmas that wasn’t forecasted! Deep down inside I’m a softie…

Why these things are important to me, I don’t know- but they are. So when my husband stays up extra late to play Santa and even braves the harsh cold night to transport bikes from across the road, it makes me proud to be his wife and the mother of his children. He is a great man and one that I don’t deserve. My oldest children Matthew and Wyatt know the truth about SC, and yet they help me get the younger 2 hyped up about his coming on Christmas Eve. They are all great kids.

The looks on their faces in the morning will be priceless. I can’t wait for them to see what Santa brought. I will be cooking up a big meal of many different kinds of pork and carbs. I have never met a pig I didn’t like. Biscuits and chocolate gravy, sausage links, sausage patties, bacon, eggs to order, muffins, and pancakes are on the menu. I hope to feed them enough that they must go back to bed as soon as possible.

I had invited a guest, we will call her “Debbie” to our Christmas breakfast as she is fairly new in town and I happen to like her and want her to meet my family. She told me tonight that she couldn’t come tomorrow because she had “a lot of things to do”. Wow, that hurt. I guess I will get Matthew to help me take the 2^nd leaf out of my table and put it away as I guess I will not need it after all.

I can’t wait for the huge mounds of paper and torn ribbons. The trash man won’t love us this week but I don’t care. I want everyone to have a great Christmas. A Muslim friend of mine called me this evening to ask me a medical question about his child. He said that he had tried to call the doctors office and they were closed today and tomorrow. I answered his question and explained that they were probably closed for Christmas. He ask me “Why you bring a tree in the house and who is that man in red?” I got tickled because my silly slow mind just assumed that everyone knew about Christmas! I explained the basics to him about Christmas and he was happy to listen but when it got to the part about the tree in the house, I was stumped. Maybe someone can educate me about that one.

Merry Christmas to all, I wish each and every person good blessings and cheer. I hope Santa left each of you exactly what you wanted, because if you are reading this you are probably NOT in jail and have done something worthy in the past 12 months; and to the asshole in his bathrobe,emptying his chemical toilet into my storm sewer.....

The unspoken truths of the holidays...

          

It is officially within arm’s reach of Christmas and it sure doesn’t feel like it. It is currently 57 degrees and really no change in site. I wish I were in the Christmas spirit. I wish I were shitting tinsel and caroling at the top of my lungs. Our Elf on the Shelf, Buddy is an undiagnosed narcoleptic and has been in the same spot for days.  I wish I were making homemade hot chocolate, cookies, and crap like that. Instead I am paying bills online and trying to keep the peace in my region. When I say region, I mean the 900 square feet that I call home.    

          I know how stressful the holidays can be and my house is no exception. How is a clean kitchen with a wiped counter some form of signal that everyone wants a sandwich? Why will you set a dish in the sink instead of the empty dishwasher? Does everyone know that the clothes go IN the hamper? The silver handle flushes the dirty toilet water down and replaces it?

These are some of the simple things that I begin to ask myself when the children are home for an extended time. I must have failed as a parent, as my children seem to have missed these lessons. How can this be? I have had these children since birth and have diligently tried to prepare these children for the real, adult world. Instead of worrying about what the fox says, we should be worrying about what mama says.

These “breaks” are simply breaks in our routine, as the stress level in my house is exponentially increased as more and more of my children are home. They do not respect each other’s boundaries, limits, or even personal space. They try a little harder when I am looking them dead in the eye, but generally have nothing for each other.

 Cooper has had a really hard time as his ADHD has been full on in part of the schedule change from his regular school days.

He is the only person who still breakdances.  Bless his hyperactive little heart, he is currently on the couch next to me doing sit ups, upside down. Yeah, he’s pretty bad right now. I love all of them so much and see the whole picture. I see their lives now and hope that I can teach them about important things in life before I shove them from my home labeled as adults.

Wyatt has been at my mother’s house since yesterday. We all met up and went to my nephew Pierson Dane’s birthday party at McDonalds (seemed similar to Dante’s 7^th level of Hell). Mama ask if he could come home with her to help wrap presents. Of course he wants to go, to get away from the circus. Plus, that eliminates one contender for me in the fight brackets. Thus increasing my odds of winning the prize!

It must be the added stress of the holidays that make the small things in life so much bigger. My children argue and fight, the house is messy, and I ALWAYS have to ask for the trash to be taken out. Nothing changes except the expectations we put on ourselves to make the holidays what we “think” they should be. I mean no one wants to run out of toilet paper on Christmas but, shit happens.

As the holiday approaches, loosen up. Make fun and laughter more of a priority. Who cares if Cooper is doing chin ups while singing the Jingle Bells. There is always something to do, sometimes just slowing down and doing the little things make the biggest memories.  

I am trying very hard to just relax and let it be. The children are doing what they do. They aren’t mature yet, we shouldn’t expect them to be or make the “right” decision. Although some I think should go without saying (flushing for example). I will have a hard time taking my own advice, and I promise I will move the damn elf tonight. 

Guilt on steroids. Not a fun place to be..

          It’s almost 1am and I am more awake than a meth head making ice. I have not felt good for the past couple of days and went to employee health and received some steroids via injection and I have been cuckoo since. Let me rephrase. I have been feeling cuckoo but much better ever since.

          With steroids comes the insatiable hunger that combined with my own “natural appetite” have sent me back to the kitchen in search of those hot damn peanut butter cookies! This time I was hyper focused and managed to undercook them. Don’t worry, we will eat them and they will state that they were good. I just think (in the back of my head) that we could potentially be stricken down with salmonella.        

          While I ate my undercooked cookie and randomly barked from the steroids, I managed to catch up on my back log of 48 hours on the DVR. I have no idea why I watch all of that, I won’t even watch the news for goodness sakes but I will watch every episode of killing and maiming that Lester Holt wants to talk about.  He makes it sound as if he WILL name the killer and they justice WILL be served.

          Today was the first day that the children were out from school for Christmas break. It really gets hopping around here for these few days. With all of the cooking, cleaning, and extra people (who have extra dished in their bedrooms, start extra fights with their siblings, and only bathe when prompted) things can get extra tense and gamey.

 Cooper slapped Charleigh Joe on the back this evening and I thought she was going to kill him. I recognized the sound of the slap and slowly ambled my way down the hall to see what happened. I don’t think he will be doing it again. Jeremy always gets extra tense during this time. He is on edge and I hate that he feels this way. I don’t know If my overwhelming guilt has something to do with the increase this year, but I am a guilty woman. I have been scouring different sites looking for a dog. I hesitate to call it a replacement dog as Oprah could never be replaced. I call it a rebound relationship that I probably will regret but will do it anyway. I cannot describe how much this has all affected us. We just seem so sad….

          The idea to get another dog has come to us from several different places and I think everyone is on board except for me. I feel it may be too soon. I don’t want to disrespect the relationship that Oprah had with our family, but I also want everyone to have that love and happiness back in their life. I want them to have a dog for Christmas morning, I want their faces to light up like on a Christmas coffee commercial.

          Nonetheless, I am the one holding out. I feel it would be like taking a date to your spouse’s funeral. Tacky. I am also the very one scouring the sites looking for an animal that looks like “the one”. I am afraid that I am making a mistake. The 2 dogs that have ever been ours have chosen us, what if dogs are like people and they have a honeymoon period or sell themselves as something that they are not?

          What if I choose a slut or a dog that is just with us for the money or status? Then we are stuck with the offending Kardashian. I can’t make any decisions right now. The steroids are talking….I should not be allowed to make any major personal decisions, drive heavy machinery, or have my browser history searched. I’m not able to keep myself from looking at crazy stuff. Speaking of crazy, has anyone ever saw a pic of the Caucasian Shepherd? This thing is HUGE!

          What the crap does this thing eat? Whole chickens or small children? It is massive, sorry about the pic of the girl but I needed to provide a reference for his size. This was another find tonight as I looked up crazy crap.

          Steroids + Christmas stuff +grief= odd searches on your browser history. Don’t judge me…..

          By the way, I hope my good friend “Brent” is feeling better. He works with me at the hospital that I work at and is having some surgery to help” improve his performance”. I hope you get to come home as soon as you are able and the rest of your stay is comfortable. Ed and I talked about you on Thursday, he said he was gonna call, I said to tell you HELLO.

          If you’re up on steroids or for any other reason, perhaps we could chat and talk about my dog issues… 

Oh, much ado about nothing

          I hope that I’m not the only one to say that I don’t give a shit about how some guy from Duck Dynasty has to say about homosexuality…. Apparently that is all that has been in the news (per my husband) and reaffirms why I try not to watch any. I totally agree that everyone has a right to their opinion and freedom of speech, but when does a company, McDonalds for example, let their front lineman have a neck tattoo that says foot long? They don’t.

          A&E (in my opinion) are exercising their rights over a contracted employee who may have potentially harmed their bankroll, and have suspended the talker.  It is their right to protect their own interests. As far as his beliefs, if you don’t believe in homosexual sex, then don’t engage in it, and that’s a fact Jack!

          Moving on, I had a desire for peanut butter kiss cookies (as a lot of heavy set, stressed people do)and as soon as I got home, I set about to make my dreams a reality. Just as I had begun my process, the tenants figured out what I was doing and stood around me like a dogs around a trash can. Casually my husband handed the youngest a Hershey kiss. I looked at him and told him, “Great, now she’s gonna stay.”

          I made the cookies and set my timer. Apparently I must be something like my mother as I managed to burn the damn things. My poor mother burned everything she ever tried to cook. If she ever had tried to poison us, the truth is that we probably consumed enough charcoal to overcome the attempts. She would probably say that our oven didn’t work appropriately. That may be true. I will not rule that out as a cause of our “dark years”, but I will point out that the oven she has now is not the one from our youth and we still consume a fair amount of charcoal.

 Talk about disappointment, I can’t even eat a whole batch of cookies to make me feel better. I just want to go to bed now. Yes, I realize that 5:15pm may be a little early by most people’s standards but who am I to care? I’m the Vice President of the Neville Dynasty and my President will second my motion if I just give the signal.

          Oh, I wish I could be interviewed by GQ….The things that I would have to talk about. I could give them the REAL stories. I would tell ones with substance that other people could identify with and give real advice that could be utilized in real situations. Who doesn’t want to know how to utilize Sam’s Club to feed the children their after school snacks, a million ways to cook with Spam, and how children can ruin any TV with a simple magnet. That’s what we should be talking about!

          Until GQ calls, I guess I will just share my secrets with you. It’s probably better that way anyway. I don’t know if I’m ready for mainstream anyway.

The week in review: the good and the bad. Well, mostly bad.

                My week in review has been quite a week. I took off last week in respect for Oprah and now I’m ready to get back online and get the dialogue back on. I had several blog worthy encounters this week starting with my “indecent proposal” at the Monterey Hardees….

          I was waiting in the parking lot of the Monterey Hardees one evening last week in order to meet one of my friends who bought some Mary Kay from me. I use the Monterey Hardees as it is easily accessible, right off the interstate, and everyone knows where it is! It is a hotbed of activity. I was there to deliver the cosmetics and I was early, so I just pulled into a parking spot and used this time to just be by myself, in the quiet….which is a special to a woman with 4 children and hasn’t had an unwitnessed bowel movement since her first child was born….

          As I was waiting, I noticed a particular truck make 2 turns through the parking lot and never going through the drive thru. On the third pass through, he backed his truck in right next to my car and turned off his ignition. Out of curiosity, I looked over at the gentlemen sitting in the driver’s side of the truck. He was well dressed in a suit and he waved at me. Out of instinct, I waved back. He motioned me to roll down the window. I mulled it over in my mind thinking that he couldn’t attack me from inside his truck and if he had a gun, it WOULD penetrate the glass anyway…..

          I made the decision to roll down the window and he quietly ask me if I was meeting someone…..in a low and husky voice.He was looking for a “friend” for an hour. When I realized what he said I replied, “Yes, I’m here to sell someone a gun.”  Wow, me a prostitute? I really thought my makeup looked nice, not prostitute-ish. My retort covered all the elements; I was not here to sell sex (although flattering), and that I had a firearm and was not an easy target.  Had he gone about it another way, I may have been 100$ richer. All he had to do was drop his wallet and let a Benjamin fall out of his wallet and ask about Satin Hands….He may have left happier as well.  All of you who judge, remember that Christmas is next week.

          I happened to run into one of my friends that I had not seen in quite a while and I invited her to breakfast and conversation. I knew that it would lift my spirits just as much or more than being propositioned for sex by a stranger….Angie and I had breakfast at IHOP and discussed our past few months and we exchanged tales ranging from how to raise chickens to the latest bullshit that any or all of our 4 children have put us through. I have to believe that all children do stupid crap because otherwise it makes my children exceptional, and not in that “good” way.

          Angie and I had the best time talking and some delicate flower next to us interrupted us and told her that she just couldn’t eat while we talked about certain topics…Like I give a shit. We are nurses and mothers, all we talk about is gross stuff. How about not listening to other peoples conversations, what are you 12 years old? Whatever, I really wanted to pull her crinkly red hair out but decided it was too close to the kitchen and it wasn’t IHOP’s fault.

          After IHOP I decided to work off some of my hostilities at Walmart. Nothing like a little push and shove action in the toy aisle to get your aggressisons out. I still had some last minute shopping to do and I felt like I could handle whatever that cesspool had to offer.

After an hour and a half, I noticed that I had passed a young man too many times not to be concerned. Finally, as I was squatted down looking at electric razors (for my newly acquired moustache) he approached me.

          I stood up and he said, “Ma’am, is there any way that you could give me a dollar or two for gas to get home?” I looked him up and down and he was impeccably dressed in new and designer clothes. I told him, “You’re dressed better than I am, if you knew you didn’t have any money, why did you come to a store?” I told him that I would not give him any money unless he was willing to stand there listen to my lecture on responsibility.

          He declined my offer and went on to the next person and ask for money. This week has had its up’s and down’s but I seem to have rubbed some the wrong way… and some the right way ;) Either way, it is a small victory when I can make it through a week without going to jail.  

Tears in Heaven

 

          Well, any of you that are on my Facebook account know what happened yesterday…. My dog, my beloved Oprah was sent to her eternal home. I say eternal home as this is only temporary (so I have heard) and I choose to believe that I will not have to make house payments forever…

          Oprah was a great dog. She was bequeathed to us from some unknown asshole who “set her out” many years ago. A full figured, aged black lab she was then and we fed her. Obviously, she was ours.  Being the wonderful witty children of my womb, the boys thought it would be funny to name this plus sized female black lab Oprah. I was so proud of them for coming up with that all on their own.

We realized that by her size she had NOT been living on the streets… She was so big she was sway backed and looked more like a calf than a dog. Nonetheless she was the perfect dog for our family who didn’t really know a lot about dogs but knew a lot about eating. We had enough in common.

          None the less we loved her and she loved us. She quickly found a spot to lie on, my new chaise lounge cushions. She promptly made a mess of them. She hated storms, and when she came in she was the perfect lady. In the end, her eyesight was so bad that she would only walk in if we put down rugs to show her the way. We had her way longer than we should have and loved her and her sway back.

          Over the weekend, her condition worsened, every movement was painful and she whimpered in pain, she did not eat or drink; she just laid there and ask me with her eyes to make it better. As hard as it was, I made the call to ease her pain. Jeremy took her and told me she did great, it only took a second and she did not suffer. On the other hand, the vet assistants (3) that it took to carry out my big and beautiful companion probably called in to work today with back injuries.

          My Oprah is in heaven. I know she is, and she is happy and thin, and everything fits her tiny waist. She lived a lifetime with us, and then she had to go.

My children are home!

          Well, they are home!! My mother pulls into my driveway on two wheels and slung gravel onto the porch. She marched in 4 beautiful children that all carry my DNA. She looks worn and weathered, just as she should after taking my brood “on vacation” for the weekend, =.

          I was so happy to see them and within moments noticed that all of my children had on layers of clothing…..When I inquired about their choice of clothing, I realized exactly how hard my mother had it.

          She informed me that the heat was out in the cabin they had rented, so at 5am it was 50 degrees…..Holy shit. That is cold, it’s no wonder they had on every stitch of clothes that they had taken with them.  Wow, that is crazy, I bet that cabin doesn’t have lady bugs.

          Mama also said that their day yesterday was somewhat ok. She took Wyatt, Cooper, and Charleigh Joe to the movies to see Frozen. MY mother HATES kid’s movies. I mean truly despises them, so she really must love my children if she intentionally took them to see and animated, G rated, children’s movie. She would rather watch Pit Bull fights or live, no holds barred MMA. Then she ended their day with an arcade? Who is this woman because my mother would never do that? I would swear under oath that she was coerced into those activities and did not willingly participate.

          Within moments of being home, Cooper disappeared and soon was discovered only by odor. He went to the bathroom to poop and after he finished, he decided to “freshen up” a bit”. While the BM smell still held heavy in the air, he decided to pour out an entire lit cinnamon candle into the sink. He then followed up the cinnamon smell with a little Scrubbing Bubbles cleanser. Yes, my children were home and my mother survived yet another “vacation”.

          Some would question my sanity and how I could miss such a circus, I would ask them why they ever dreamed that I was ever sane? I never got the opportunity to customize my options and I’ll ride this crazy train for as long as I can.

Day #1

          NIGHT #1:

We managed to fake our way through the evening. For some reason we watched cartoons and carried on as if they were still here. It’s official, I think we have Stockholm Syndrome.

          Mama has all of our children in Gatlinburg. We are as free as birds with the cage left open and what are we doing? The same things that we would be if the children were in their bedrooms. This is sad. I cry all the time that I would love some time off but what am I doing besides mourning the fact that they aren’t here? I’m confused.

          Jeremy however is much more affected than I am. He spent all afternoon making the birds a ladder made of rope so they could climb in and out of their cage……those birds fucking hate us. They talk about us like Vietnamese manicurists. There is no way those birds will come out of their sanctuary willingly. We have watched these birds for hours, making silly voices and pretending we know what they are saying. Sad, we miss the fighting of the children.

          Bedtime seemed to be the worse. We stayed up til our regular bedtime and I went through and checked all the doors. I briefly thought about going into Matthew’s room and signing into his XBOX LIVE account and screwing around with his reputation. Nothing ruins your swag like your mom giving your friends ammo. I chose to leave his swag alone and went to my bedroom.

          We had all this room in the bed…I was uncomfortable and I could tell that Jeremy was too. We are used to having Charleigh Joe in the middle taking up most of the bed. Now without clear lines of demarcation, it seemed as if we were driving in a huge white blanket of snow and trying to keep it in the road.

          Jeremy and I chose to put pillow in the places she would have occupied and this is where I knew it was serious. Jeremy turned on the movie we watch every night with Charleigh Joe, Brave. Seriously, we watch this movie every night because she wants to, not us. I think he needed some part of our routine to be stable, and deep down I did too. He was just man enough to act on it. I gave him a kiss without acknowledging the movie and told him goodnight as I put on my CPAP mask.

          I waited awhile and looked over, and he had Charleigh Joe’s blanket and Elmo clutched to his chest as he went to sleep. I had intended to do the same thing as soon as I was assured that he was asleep. Asshole. He just beat me to the punch. I guess we are just pussies and miss our screaming, fighting, constantly talking, wonderful kids.

          Our birds seems to be having a domestic dispute so I guess we will have entertainment for the morning. I might add that the female Jane aka Tina climbed on the roof of the cage to get away from Jim aka Ike instead of using the new “rope ladder” Jeremy made for them.  Just sayin…..

Why are there still lady bugs out! I'm going to burn the house down.

          I FUCKING HATE LADY BUGS.

          I make this statement because it is December and I am still bombarded with the little bastards. I don’t understand why they are still around….Yes, I realize it has been warm but, shit! I so want them gone. I have lady bugs all over my house, in my bed, in my bathroom, hanging on my light fixtures, they are EVERYWHERE. I’m almost ready to burn the building down. It seems as if it is my only way out. HELPIT

          I’m sitting on the couch watching Jeremy and Charleigh Joe play. She is so adorable. Jeremy just pretended to eat her nose. She seemed upset until I suggested that she eat his nose. She did it and promptly turned into a zombie and started eating every part of his face…. Picking off each piece with her tiny fingers. She is a ZOMBIE! Why did it have to be my beautiful daughter? Why couldn’t it be one of the boys who eat everything anyway? Oh well, sounds about right.

          I received a package yesterday….I felt like the dad from A Christmas Story. I had anticipated this delivery for a while and when it finally came, I was tearing it open like it was Christmas morn. My CPAP machine, my glorious machine that is going to make my life so much better. It was brand new and gleaming. I listened very carefully to all the instructions and as soon as the DME lady was gone, I HAD to take a nap.

          I carefully arranged the machine next to my bed and strapped on the head piece and positioned the nose mask... I laid down and drifted to sleep…..I awoke 2 hours later and decided that I could do this. I rested comfortably and peacefully. I hope that the rest of my experiences go so well. It will probably be bombarded with lady bugs within 24 hours.

          Mama has decided to take the children to Gatlinburg for the weekend. ALL OF THE CHILDREN. This was her decision, not mine. I don’t know how things will go, I’m only hoping that it goes really, really well. Of course there is inclement weather expected for this weekend. Lots of snow and ice, locked up in a house with rowdy children, sounds kind of like a movie. Oh, yes I remember, it’s called The Shining. If I remember correctly, it’s not a movie with a good ending. I should probably make sure that granny doesn’t have an ax or anything similar to that. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy…

          Jeremy did the 60 mile round trip to pick up all the children from their respective schools. Four kids, four schools, 2 different counties…that is one hell of a trip every morning and evening. This is just one of the reasons that I love this man. He also takes the shop vac and sucks up the fucking lady bugs when I ask him too. He goes on a killing spree like John Wayne Gacy when I ask him to. I still to this day will never understand why he stays with me. He is the butter to my toast and I love him so much. I couldn’t do any of this without him.

          Thank you Jeremy for being mine, I love you now and always.

Black Friday Bargaining

          So it’s 2am and I’m on the couch blogging….it isn’t gonna make for a great day right?  Especially since I am on call and today’s schedule leaves a lot of room for add on’s. Oh well, I’ll take it as it comes. So just finishing up a long holiday weekend and I did it without spending the first dollar on Black Friday deals.

          I’m sure you are asking yourself how can that be possible.  People that know me are aware of my reputation for Black Friday madness and that I ALWAYS go shopping and have my plan made out in advance including exit routes and emergency situations. I have been in so many Black Friday bouts that I should have some kind of title.

          One year when the bicycles were 25 dollars at Wal Mart I was actually in line by midnight for the 4am reveal. I really wanted that bike as that was all that my Matthew had ask for. The closer it got to 4am, the more that people decided that they shouldn’t have to wait in line and began piling up around the door where the bikes were at.

          I ask the security guard to do something about it as those of us who had gotten to know each other in the 3 hours we had been standing and waiting had been following the rules and staying in line. The security guard simply stated that he couldn’t do anything about it. This infuriated me. It looked like I was doomed to have stood here all night in line and still not get a bicycle as the cheaters had the advantage because of this pussy security guard.

          An idea came to me and I casually reached inside my purse and pulled out a fresh Kool 100 and lit it. Of course since I was in the store and lit a cigarette the security guard was right up my ass. He demanded that I extinguish my cigarette immediately. I reminded him that he couldn’t do anything about it anyway. Realizing that I had just referenced the situation that I had ask him to correct with the line jumpers, he knew he was in trouble. How much trouble, he had yet to find out. As he argued with me to put out my cigarette I heard the most familiar sound of cigarette cases being opened and lighters firing. I looked around and all the ladies I had been waiting in line with all night joined forces and lit their tiny guns as well.

          Seeing he was outmanned, I used this as an opportunity to bargain with the gentleman. I told him that if he controlled the line jumpers, we would be happy to extinguish our cigarettes. After pleading with me one last time, he realized what he would have to do.

          Soon the herds of line jumpers began to walk past us grumbling and unhappy as they were escorted to the back of the line just where they belonged and at the end of that line was the security guard looking anxiously as if to plead with us to please extinguish our cigs. Without even a word we all dropped our cigarettes into an empty coke can and passed it down the line.

          That year I learned the benefit of bargaining, and not just for holiday specials. I learned that compromise can be defined in so many different ways, and that friends whether old or new can tip the scales.

Maybe I'm not such a scrooge, maybe I'm just jelly....

I know in my last posting I sounded like such a Scrooge and maybe I am. Truth is, this is my favorite time of year and perhaps I’m figuring out that I can’t keep up. When I say keep up, I mean by looking at everyone else’s perfectly decorated shit, it makes me feel incompetent. My tree and decorations look like Pacesetters put it up (no disrespect to Pacesetters as my work looks like their work).

Why does everyone have to put their pictures on Facebook and make me feel like a douche? My poor Charlie Brown Christmas tree and decorations look awful next to the professional looking ones that my friends post. I know that I shouldn’t compare crap but come on….Let up on me guys. I have a lot going on, I can’t be as cool as you all are. I just used a spatula to scrape something off the hardwood floor that wouldn’t come up with the mop. I’m so not in your league. Quit showing me just how incompetent that I really am.

Everyone has their monogrammed wreaths on their front door and my front door barely closes. Their delicious treats laid out for the impromptu guest and if someone comes here unannounced then I hide and be quiet hoping they don’t look in the one uncovered window and see the messy kitchen. I don’t understand how everyone else can do it but I can’t.

I guess the bottom line is I am jealous. I’m jelly of your perfect Pinterest cupcakes and wreaths, your perfectly decorated tree and your ability to entertain guest in a moment’s notice. I am not that woman. I can entertain anyone if they can keep their judgments to themselves as I entertain in my gown. I may eat a bowl of cereal and offer one to you as well.

My seating may or may not have a basket of laundry on it and if the dishwasher is running we will have to use sit closely and use gestures as it is REALLY LOUD. I have worked all my life and have moments that I am proud of, they aren’t as visible as some other things in life and somehow I always manage to focus on the negative. I don’t know why. I AM PROUD OF MY HOME, FAMILY, SUCCESSES AND FAILURES. Most people will not understand why I am proud of my failures but if you think about it, those are lessons learned (usually the hard way).

So I’ll try and organize a little better and keep the laundry caught up if you want to come and visit. I will be proud of my paltry decorations and show them proudly as each piece means something special to me, including the Festivus pole.

I hate decorating for Christmas!

          Today is the day, Black Friday. It seems to have become much more of a holiday than Thanksgiving. It is Black for a lot of reasons those including that “push and shove” fighting over reduced merchandise, the cleaning up of then endless dishes that seem to appear from nowhere, and that is when the Christmas tree goes up a the Neville home.

          I see all of the Facebook photos of everyone else’s wonderfully decorated homes and I feel somewhat bad about my dislike of decorating. When I had one or two kids, it was not that big of a headache but when our family grew and our house shrank…..It was not so cheerful. The actual tree was never a live tree as I don’t need one more thing to take care of and every year I say how next year we are getting a new tree as half the lights on our pre lit tree don’t work. We still have that tree…

          Our house’s size is not the only headache, my second son Wyatt also has a sensor that detects when my stress level is peaking and he always decides to move one of his chess pieces. He LOVES to ask ridiculous questions that have nothing to do with the current situation. This causes your stress level, to peak causing you to have a cursing fit that would make some people uncomfortable. When I say uncomfortable I mean really uncomfortable.

          Another thorn in my side is that Cooper is bouncing off the walls as usual and he has a hard time following instructions. I mean this in the most loving way but sometimes he is an ass. When I have had little to no sleep and am feeling stressed, it may not be the time to actually let me count all the way to two before you cease and desist your unsatisfactory behavior.

          I had little to no sleep as I was in the ER with our Charleigh Joe until late last night. It was a holiday and inconvenient, so one of the kids HAD to get sick. It was not Charleigh Joe’s turn but she went anyway. She has pneumonia and a urinary tract infection. Bless her heart, it is amazing what a shot of Rocephin can do. Last night she was so very sick and tonight she is fever free.

          We have had snow twice this week, thus causing the grocery stores to dig deep to find enough milk and bread to market to the public who fears that they will starve in less than 24 hours. I use 24 hours as a basic rule as it has been years since we have had enough snow to keep us in our homes for longer than that.  I have no idea why everyone decides that they need milk and bread if it snows. I have never quite figured that one out. When the weather man forecasts snow, it’s like Black Friday at Save-a-Lot over jugs and loaves.

          I am so stressed out that I need to remain inside with strict instructions that if I try to get to the door, Jeremy is to use any means necessary to keep me in. I would not be upset with me if he used physical force or a tranquilizer gun to stop me.  I understand when I get this way and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only imagine how my day would have ended had I went shopping. If not in jail, then someone would have bailed me out. I have watched some of the fights on YouTube and I think I could have taken most of the aggressors, men or women.

          I treated Louse Von Bulow again and my hands have that familiar scent of NIX. I didn’t see a single member or evidence of anything but he was treated anyway. Perhaps that is another reason my Black Friday was truly black.

          Whatever the reason incessant and inappropriate questions, decorating my tiny home with only the assistance of untrained and unruly staff, or treating Louse Von Bulow, my day has not been great. I hope that this is not a chronic condition as I am not the most “cheerful” person anyway…..

           

Louse Von Bulow and mama's perfect Christmas

          Home from another long day at work only to be met at the door by Louse Von Bulow aka Cooper, in a made for TV movie whine-a-thon. I cannot stand a child that whines (which of course I have several of them) and I truly just wish that they would file their complaint so I could deal with it. Instead they feel as if whining is going to make me more apathetic to their cause. I don’t care. I hate whining.

          I swear ever since our “locust issue” my head has itched off! I even had the assistant director of the daycare to check my head again for any, l_ c _. It’s such a dirty word I cannot even write about it. You know you are a friend when someone can ask you to check their head for bugs. That’s a true friend. That’s someone you can call and ask anything to. That is a good as blood kin.

          Our first snow of the year came today, everyone go get your milk and bread. I swear I get so tired of people racing to the store to get milk and bread every time it flurries. I truly think that the weather men must be getting kickbacks from the bread and milk people because all they have to do is mention precipitation and every old fart in town is at Save a Lot buying up the milk and bread. Fools like me who have yet to rush out into the madness in search of these coveted items, have yet to lose a child to starvation or rickets. Imagine that….

          I truly do love the snow and I feel all childlike when I see the flakes falling down. I want to run and play, and then I realize that I am closer to 40 than 30 and I am morbidly obese, and shouldn’t run without a cardiologist statement. Oh well, so much for that fantasy. I guess I could walk at a brisk pace to the aisle Little Debbie Christmas Cakes are located…that is kind of the same thing, right?

          I only work 3 days this week as it is Thanksgiving. I have full intentions of trying to rest and spend time with my family (except Louse Von Bulow, just kidding). I intend on cooking a turkey and all the trimmings. I am a pretty good cook, as most full figured women are. I will put up our tree and begin our daily ritual of watching a Christmas Story. I don’t know what the appeal of this story is but it is one of my favorite movies and it makes me happy. Ralphie gets his prize and one day, perhaps I will have the Christmas morning that everyone is happy and gets exactly what they want.

          That is why it is a movie. There is always someone that is disappointed and someone who is verbal about being shortchanged. Those are the Christmas mornings that I usually am blessed with. No one realizes how much I do to try and make their Christmas as perfect and happy as I possibly can. Oh well, I’m just the mother, don’t worry about me. I spent my Christmas money on the family size bottle of NIX as Cooper gave me my “present” early…..

Strawberry margarita's and innuendos.

          As the work day was ending, I was walking out with some coworkers and one of them mentioned that he was going out for dinner with another coworker. Two men having dinner on a Friday night….It may be completely innocent but if someone orders a strawberry margarita, I’m not going to ask any questions.

          There are just some things that heterosexual men should not do as it alludes to a different preference. Ordering a strawberry margarita is one of those things. Another thing that could be perceived wrong is when men wear unisex clothing that is WAY too tight (which we also saw as we were leaving). This dude was wearing scrubs that were at least 2 sizes too small and he had more nuts showing than a pecan pie. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him. Who let him walk out of the house like that because the creases in the uniform told me that perhaps his mom or granny took the time to iron them to the point they could have stood alone.

          I just don’t understand why people choose to participate in random acts of weirdness. I just don’t think that I could sit quietly as a friend wore the nut hugger pants or ordered a girly drink. This is WHY we have friends. They are the ones who tell us that we need to get our moustache waxed and warn us against perming our hair. Friends and peer feedback is essential to a “normal” life.

          Now I really don’t feel like fielding comments that I have something against homosexuals. That is ludicrous, I love all people regardless of trivial things such as sexual preference. I do however take great offense to a stranger wearing a pair of pants that clearly shows off his franks and beans. I cannot work with that. I cannot communicate with him, or vice versa a woman with the “camel toe”.

          The men ordering girly drinks just invalidates their manliness. It’s like wear. Don’t do it, I form opinions about you like you squat to pee and you wear clear fingernail polish and lip gloss. It makes me uncomfortable in the same way that you would feel uncomfortable if I were to start dipping Copenhagen. I know my boundaries. Please know your boundaries and we will equally respect them.

          That being said, those who go against the grain make our life colorful and give us things to talk about as we gather in groups. Everyone gossips, everyone finds a way to justify the act in their own mind without it being harmful. A friend tells you that you have a hanger out your nose, or have a random hair that is touching. An acquaintance tells everyone else until your friend over hears and tells you. It’s the circle of life…..

I just want to go to bed....

          Well, well. I have found myself at the sleep center once again. I really didn’t realize that I would have to come back again but somehow a little “staycation” at the hospital seems kinda right. I have had a slow week up until tonight.

          It all started to fall apart when my mouth came full circle and Charleigh Joe became the final child to utter profanity. All children do it, some just keep doing it (me). The same rule goes with biting, children all bite. Their animal instinct comes out and they are like a pack of wild animals as soon as you turn your back. I believe it is inate, inborn, and cannot be stopped.

          Another thing with kids that is inevitable is at some point you will experience the plague called head lice…..I personally believe this is the specific plague that Jesus mentions in the Bible. They called it locusts, I call it head lice or head locust. The first sign is a kid that is randomly scratching their head for no reason….Your stomach drops to the floor because what is to follow is a process that is really month long and extremely exhausting.

          I spotted Cooper scratching his head this evening as soon as I came home from work….Holy shit was I scared. One child with head lice cause a mother to commit suicide every 60 seconds, and I was afraid for my own safety. I calmly ask him to sit in the kitchen chair and I broke out the super duper lice comb that was purchased on the first occasion my house was infested.

          I slowly and methodically went inch by inch through his thick mane of glossy blonde hair relaxing a bit with each clear square and then I saw it. Yes, the boy had lice! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  This is one of those deals when you just want to run away, just forget your responsibilities and leave, but instead I broke out the “foster family” size bottle of NIX shampoo and set out to treating the infested boy.

          After his “treatment” was applied, I calmly ask Wyatt to sit in the chair and as he saw Cooper he knew what was up and  practically burst into tears. He remembered the last time, and what a toll it took on everyone. The constant checks, linen changes, laundry, treatments, and tears that it took to clear up the outbreak.

          Thankfully no one else in the house had any evidence of “you know” and I set out to changing linens and such. It is one of the worst things in the world to treat and no matter what, you constantly itch. I think that I would rather have chlamydia than head lice. It truly is the plague and can strike at any moment.

          My wonderful little Cooper, who took our bank statement to school today for show and tell and then he brought home lice….I wonder if Craigslist has a place to list a child for sale?