Improve Lynda Carter, really?

          I know that times are changing and that change is a part of life. What I am confused about is why must we always seek change? Why are we convinced that there is always something bigger and better? Do we really need a TV that can be seen in 3D, HD, and comparable in size to a billboard? The kind that you need to wear a lead apron and can heat your home? How can we live without the latest phone? At this point our phones can do just about anything including cause cancer.      

          There are some things in life that don’t need to be “improved” upon. There are things that are iconic and shouldn’t even be questioned. The point I am getting at is the unveiling of the “New” Wonder Woman. I was never under the impression that there was anything wrong with the original. Lynda Carter embodied everything that was a female superhero. She was beautiful, smart, cunning, and obviously very patriotic (as evidenced by her smart red, white, and blue costume). 

          The “New” Wonder Woman is a slap in the face to the character that the classy Lynda Carter portrayed for years. From her horrible and trashy outfit to her long poorly styled hair, she is anything but an improved representation of the first female superhero. It’s as if someone decided to replace Princess Diana with Courtney Love. Thus is life, sometimes though it’s just best to hold the cards you’ve been dealt.

          What I really want to know is instead of worrying about what Xena, Warrior Princess looks like after learning how to cook meth, I want to know why they have already started releasing the Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer and the movie is not slated to be released until February of next year! Talk about S&M! They are literally torturing everyone who is longing to see this movie or to drag their significant other to see it…hoping that they might take the hint…

          Take my advice, skip out on the trashy looking Wonder Woman and read Fifty Shades before the movie release. It will do much more for your life and relationship than watching another cartoon character brought to the big screen. Trust me, I’m VERY interested in Christian Grey and I’d dare say that most women would agree. 

Hillbilly hand fishing with the Duggars!

          Another week down and a few more days closer to school starting. I’ve almost made it through my 18^th summer without being reported to DCS. I know that sounds horrible but, you will never know what it is like to walk in my shoes. If the truth were known, I should be in a straightjacket and heavily medicated at this point. My only solace is going to work, how sad is that?  Jeremy however, has no reprieve. His personality has split, it’s the only way he has survived.

          One of my secret pleasures in this world (besides eating in the middle of the night) is watching….19 kids and counting. I know, it is completely not what you were thinking. I just am in awe of how this family operates. I am very aware that the show is edited, but I find it hard to believe that their children NEVER fight? That Michelle and Jim Bob NEVER argue? That isn’t natural. I mean for goodness sakes, they have been through pregnancy and birth 19 times! How are they even still speaking to each other, let alone continuing to have sex together?

          I have my suspicions that Michelle is very heavily medicated, possibly a speed ball addict (cocaine and heroin) thus making her as relaxed and productive as she appears to be. This is the only explanation that I can come up with as no one can be that on task ALL THE TIME.  Jim Bob is obviously her dealer and she doesn’t want to piss him off and get cut off from her only means of escape, thus the willingness to continue to have sex even after 19 children.

I don’t understand how she is still continent. She must be like the Norway rat (it has absolutely no bowel or bladder control and is incontinent with every movement). I have only had 4 children and I can’t sneeze without wetting myself like a newborn babe. I have written to the makers of Nyquil and pitched an idea. I think it would be great product placement to combine their product with a box of panty liners and market it specifically to women. Their hook could be to highlight the fact that if you are sick, take the Nyquil, put on a panty liner and if you still cough and pee your pants, at least it won’t be a full bed change. You’ll be so drowsy you won’t even care if you piss your pants! I can’t believe they didn’t jump on that idea but I’ve not given up all hope.

I find it hard to work with my 4 children, I cannot fathom 19 freaking kids up in my business all the time. The fact that she home schools them all proves to me that she is not making sound decisions. I’m sure that I am not what you picture in your mind as the “June Cleaver” of Rickman, Tennessee, but even the Cleaver’s knew that the parents needed a break from the children every once in a while. I truly adore my children, but I know my limits. I NEED the children to go to school. They need time to be away from the house.

          Another reason that I am fascinated with the Duggar’s is how that I have never seen any of their children unclothed, swearing, or shitting somewhere that was not a bathroom. I am only the mother of 4 but each of my children has done each one of these things. In fact, 3 out of 4 still remain only in their underwear when home, and 2 out of 4 still regularly soil themselves. I do not believe however, it is an issue of intelligence. I base this on several facts.

          First and foremost, I am their mother. This alone guarantees them at least an average IQ. Secondly, they are all very witty, even when confronted with shitting in the yard. For instance, Cooper was on the trampoline last summer, he got off and pulled down his pants in the driveway and took a dump. This same child has a and more appropriate vocabulary than most adults. Some of his skills include both traditional terms such as poke (a brown paper bag) to urban speak such as whip (car). He is actually remarkably smart and good looking. Those are also other traits of my children. Alas, my fascination with the Duggar’s continues.

          Wyatt and Matthew have really spent a lot of time this summer with my mother. I am glad that they are enjoying themselves but I really do miss them when they aren’t home. They seem to be growing up too fast, but I am so proud of the men that they are becoming. My Matthew has really stepped it up lately. He has a great personality, witty humor like his mothers, and a beautiful girlfriend. At his age, we tend to communicate a lot by text and social media. I can keep up to date on his whereabouts and goings on through electronic means.

          He and his girlfriend Saige went fishing today. I think they caught the Loch Ness Monster actually. He posted some pics on FaceBook of the catfish they caught and I was astonished. First the fact that he had on a shirt, jeans, and boots in 92+ degree weather, and then he was holding a massive catfish. I thought I was watching some sort of reality show about hillbilly hand fishing at first. Both he and Saige managed to catch monstrous catfish from a private pond where she lives (she does not live IN a pond, it is simply on her families property). By the size of the fish, I would not be surprised if the water level dropped 2 inches when they pulled those monsters out of the water.

          Thus as the end of summer comes, I begin to relax somewhat. I know that soon my children will be expanding their minds and attending school once again. I hope they continue to thrive both physically and in their educations. I hope they understand that during extreme times of stress, we love them as much as chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzards, and that we can make them disappear just as fast….

It's almost over, and we are all still alive.

          I wonder if this is what Anne Frank felt like…trapped in your home, on limited rations, and trying to escape your innermost thoughts and feelings all while being openly persecuted? Granted, her situation was much more serious, I’m just bitching about summer break. These kids are trying to kill me, and not in a humane way either. The fighting and constant disappointment are taking its toll on every aspect of my life. I wonder if they even realize it.

          I find myself hiding in the bathroom and waiting for them to forget that I’m home. I eat constantly and daydream of school buses and sack lunches.It hasn’t worked yet but I’m not a quitter. Thus far this has been the worst summer ever…that is truly a statement in light of some of the summers past.

 Matthew is in love…I feel him slowly slipping away from me, Wyatt won’t shut up and won’t get away from me or anyone else for that matter. Cooper has developed his own style of warfare and he is vicious (Geneva Convention type shit), and Charleigh Joe is just trying to make her way.

          Now that Matthew is courting, he is taking on much more responsibility…only when he thinks it can benefit him. His lady friend seems like a nice girl but of course he’ll always be my boy. He seems to keep growing. He is mammoth, he towers over us and like all teenage boys has a voracious appetite. Jeremy is convinced that we should have surprised him in the night and beat the shit out of him about 2 years ago just to show him we could. I’m not so sure we could anymore, even if we took him by surprise…with a mob and a bag of golf clubs.

          Wyatt continues to talk…not just talk, but his mouth is constant. It’s like living with Rush Limbaugh with a bubble butt. I could not even begin to process the amount of facts that he spews constantly. Who doesn’t want to talk about the average rainfall in the Amazon or which fighter planes had the most success in World War II? I know! Such a wealth of information that he wants to discuss mostly at the most inconvenient or inappropriate times, such as a funeral or when being questioned by a police officer.

 I really know that his gift of gab will eventually get him somewhere, just not anytime soon. He continues to amaze me with how odd he can turn a simple conversation. What can I say, he is like a politician without a party or even a message. I’m sure that part will come.

 This summer has been a trying one for Jeremy and me with the middle children. They seems to CONSTANTLY argue. Most of the time it is over stupid shit ( not a real surprise as children could care less about Obamacare or ISIS), and the rest of the time it is for no reason. They have gotten physical and each has landed their blows. The problem is that nothing is ever resolved. Wyatt, aka “The Court Reporter” is able to read back the minutes to every single conversation that has been spoken in this house, at any given time. He is always listening. He is famous for bringing up old shit for another round of fighting. This is definite proof that he is my child. What can I say, I turned out ok, right?

          Cooper has entered a whole new stage in his life. He is starting to be able to control his impulsivity, at times. Which is a good thing. He has not been known in the past for his self-control. He is also beginning to retaliate against his bullies, namely his brother Wyatt. His older brother has long been an adversary and bully and since Cooper is quite a small fellow, he has learned to use his brain instead of his fists.

Just recently I heard an argument and went to put out the flames when Wyatt met me in the hallway. He explained that Cooper had ruined his boots. Of course, I knew there was a second part of the story. When I questioned Cooper about it, he informed me that he was tired of Wyatt pushing him around and that Wyatt was not his boss. It seems that the fight started over Wyatt not sharing his XBOX privileges as he was supposed to.

          Wyatt was just itching to get his part of the story out to defer the attention of his behavior onto the negative behavior of his brother. I soon figured out that Cooper had retaliated… he shit in Wyatt’s boot. While I was secretly in awe of how one arrives at that course of action, I had to discuss this infraction with the youngest male Neville. I told him that I realized that Wyatt could be trying, and that defecating in his brother’s boot was a profound idea of revenge. I then however had to explain that it was inappropriate and that pink eye is no joke.

          As with every family has their struggles, I’m not so sure that any family has ever had to have the “don’t shit in your brother’s boot” talk with their child. While I secretly think that was a genius idea, I cannot encourage it. All I can do is explain to him that it was wrong and tell Wyatt to always check his shoes before he dons them, especially when he’s been an asshole to his brother.

          Thus when this summer comes to an end, I will not be sad. I will be ecstatic, especially if I make it the entire season without anyone going to jail, the emergency room, or to a juvenile detention center. I will feel accomplished in that I have succeeded once more to do as best I could in light of the circumstances.

          To all those parents who wish that summer could last a few more weeks, FUCK YOU. I’m on the verge of a CNN story as it is. If you love having your children home all summer, by all means come and relieve me of a few of my crew. All that I ask is that you invite my children to share in the festivities that you have so successfully entertained your children with. Show me how you have done it without alcohol, benzodiazepines, and counseling. Perhaps you could direct me to your Pinterest board on parenting…