Due to inclement weather, Halloween has now been moved....Great, now the kids hate me too.

            How odd is that I was just blogging about falling and had the mother of all falls yesterday at a company picnic?  Wow, talk about embarrassing. I’d just about have rather shit in a Hardee’s cup in my car while waiting on a traffic ticket….maybe not that bad. Yeah, it was that bad.

            It was at the “Fall Fun Fest” employee appreciation day at my work and yesterday’s festivities were comprised of a lunch served to us under a large tent in the parking lot with our directors and various other members of the staff “serving” us. It is always nice to be recognized and yesterday was no different. They served catered BBQ with all the fixin’s and I was a happy girl.

            After maneuvering through the line, I looked about the CROWD of people who were all sitting around eating and enjoying themselves and began looking for my friends….and when I spotted them, I took off walking towards them. For a split second, I didn’t even realize that I was falling. It wasn’t real until the (small “normal” sized portion) bag of Lay’s Original chips I was carrying along with my BBQ sandwich popped under my collapsing body, making a gunshot like noise. I was on the ground and EVERYONE was looking at me because of the noise of those FUCKING chips.

            Over the years I have become quite an expert of falling and have become quite proficient in the studying of the silent fall. I think that had those chips not exploded and given me away, then I could have perhaps at least not been completely humiliated, but God had a different plan. To humble me, to quite literally bring me to my knees, elbows, etc. in front of my peers.

            In my hurry to make the most of my appreciation lunch and socialization with my friends, I neglected to see the 3FT TALL STAKE that was helping to hold the tent up. The only thing I can deduce is that had the tent fallen down it would have been a message to all. Since I fell down and the tent remained, the message was pretty specifically to me…

            My friends and several others responded quickly in order to help to get my fat ass up and off the ground ASAP. I was not ready immediately to get up. I had to gather myself mentally for what was coming and physically make sure nothing was broken, like my entire body…..I had fallen just a few feet from the security guards at our hospital who all visibly were upset that their employee appreciation lunch had been disturbed by a whale rolling around in the parking lot, so determined to get that peach cobbler and ice cream at the end of the meal,  she rushed and fell. What a dumb ass I felt like. They finally put down their forks and made it over to me….Was I hurt? Really, like this size girl can fall and not get hurt? Yes, and make sure there is no one trapped under me if you’re not too busy……

 If only I’d broken both of my arms or something bad then people wouldn’t make fun of me. As it stands, I’m sure I’ve been fodder for many jokes the past 2 days.

            I will start them myself:

·         Due to my fall, I have caused the incoming inclement weather and therefore am solely responsible for Halloween being moved.

·         Due to my fall, I have changed the atmosphere and now Daylight savings time begins on Friday night instead of Saturday night.

·         Due to my fall, the company who placed the tent in the parking lot has now been commissioned by the US military to begin “tenting” computer facilities for the Maricopa County Sheriff’s department.

·         Due to my fall, no more Staff Appreciation Days will be held outside without a shuttle through the parking lot and a corral to slow down the traffic.

Several people have ask me if I’m ok. I am so sore, Rodney King (God rest his soul) has nothing on me. I hurt everywhere. I cannot believe that I am so bruised and took a full chunk out of one knee. I am alive, for now. I am thankful that I didn’t break both my arms. I only wish that the whole incident could have not happened.

It did happen, and I am forever changed both mentally and physically as that is the largest crowd I have ever performed for….I am signing off tonight from the Sleep lab at CRMC for a split night sleep study. Nothing like sleeping away from home, in a small bed, with strangers sleeping around you, while being videotaped. Wow, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of like jail with the exception of ……Goodnight.

One of the most dreaded feelings ever....

                So, I have been off the radar for a few days. I was almost ready for an episode of SNAPPED. The kids are all well (thank GOD) and our lives seem to be back to normal. I am back to work, the kids are back to school, and Jeremy has his days back. That is important because if Daddy ain’t happy no one is happy.           

            I feel like I have fumbled all day. I have dropped and tripped until I just can’t stand myself. I don’t know if it is fatigue as I have not been sleeping well, or just that I’m growing clumsier by the day. Stumbling, falling, or dropping a sterile instrument in an OR is about the equivalent of taking a dump away from home and clogging up the toilet.

First comes the panic, realizing that you have to take a shit at a friend’s house. That in itself can be very disturbing. No one wants to shit away from home, it can ruin everything. When the pain first hits, you try to fight it off, act like it’s not real. You literally hold it in until your turd has choke marks around its little brown neck. Then the inevitable happens, you MUST give in.

You must make up some form of excuse like calling your mom or something lame that could take a minute and excuse yourself as you walk briskly to the bathroom farthest from the main areas, and that you have clearance for. You have alternating cold chills and sweats by the time you get to the seat. You slowly lower yourself down as any abrupt move could cause a  disaster and you promise yourself that you are just going to do as little as possible to get the cramps to stop.

Ha, that’s just in your mind. The mission suddenly turns ugly as you start making noises that would shame your gastroenterologist. You just KNOW everyone is aware of exactly what you are doing. You try to hurry but every time you wipe, here it comes again. After what seems like an eternity you finally finish up, the whole time thinking up the perfect excuse of why you have been gone so long and then it happens…..

You flush and the water keeps rising……You can feel the panic begin to set in and your pupils dilate and your breathing becomes more labored. You are an inch from disaster when the water finally stops rising…..But, there is still shit and paper in the bowl. Your mind is going crazy now, you check the cabinet for a plunger or a bottle of pills to swallow. Anything is better than what is about to happen. Now you start trying to think of how long it’s been since you left….Will they suspect anything? You take the back off the toilet (why, because it has nothing to do with the toilet being clogged. But you still do it) to see if there is anything that will help.

Once the water has declined somewhat comes the decision, should you try to flush again or just fake it like it wasn’t you? They will know. You find the plunger and give it a few hard and fast pulls and the toilet suddenly empties and you nearly burst into tears. You have been saved. You vow to never shit away from home again.

That is what dropping an instrument in the OR is like and how I have felt all day. Pretty intense, huh. It’s a many wonders why I haven’t snapped yet.

The Cadbury Scream egg? Yes, please!

                As fall has come upon us, I look forward to the cool nights, outdoor fires, and fall colors. I am also looking forward to the second candy season of the year. The first starting with Valentine’s Day and ending with Easter. The second season begins with Halloween and ends with Christmas.

            Some people don’t even realize that candy comes in seasons. These are sad people who probably don’t eat candy or live normal lives. Your Valentine’s candy consists of the traditional chocolates and conversation hearts and Easter candy is Peeps and Cadbury Eggs. The candy seasons are some of the things that keep me going.

 I discovered something today when I went into the Dollar General to get a few items. Sitting there next to the huge lighters at the check-out was something that I had never before seen. Now, I’m not saying that I know everything about candy but I challenge you, to challenge me in regards to confections. I saw my salvation, a new product that was really just an Easter favorite. I was the one thing that at the time I needed. I was going to buy and consume the treats, getting rid of any evidence that they ever existed. The Cadbury Crème egg, made “scary” for Halloween. It’s called The Cadbury Scream egg, and it was wonderful. I will not share with my children. I NEEDED that candy.

            Normally you have to get your fill of the Cadbury egg during season, and now we have another option. We can have this delicious treat before the Valentines-Easter holiday and right now I need it. I purchased 2 of the eggs and they were heavenly. I was able to go on after consuming them like snake in the hen house. They barely made it out of the parking lot.

            Thank goodness the good folks at Cadbury realized that some of us need a dose in between Easters. Thank you Cadbury, for keeping me addicted to your confections.

            

Oprah's favorite things

So cold weather is on its way. All of the coats and boots will litter my house. We do have closets and I show them to the children every year, but no luck, they still leave their coats everywhere.  This happens to be my favorite time of the year. With Pumpkin lattes and bonfires. I can wear plenty of clothes to mask the outline of my full-figured self without sweating like a mule at the fair…..Oh, this is my time.

I don’t understand why coats and boots can’t be taken and put away, perhaps they are preparing for a rush evacuation or something. Maybe there is something to it. Perhaps I should make an emergency bag with important things and be ready for the imminent need for an evacuation…Oh, I already did. It’s called a purse.

Along with the cold weather comes the inevitable conversation of what to do with Oprah. My family has 2 birds and 1 dog. Oprah came into our lives about 3 years ago as a “drop and run” dog. Someone saw kid shit in our yard and set her out. She is a very large (some would say fat, I would say full figured) black lab. She was really old 3 years ago, and now she is ancient. The problem is that she is outside and for whatever reason I always get upset when it gets too cold or too hot on that fucking dog. Whomever set her out should get the shingles, the really bad ones that get in their eyes. She was someone’s dog, someone’s family member and they set her out.

I let the old hag in when it’s really cold or really hot. She is just huge, and looks more like a small calf than a dog. She is sway backed and her cataracts are obvious but she comes in and just rests in her corner. She creates no problems with anybody. I feel so bad for her. I know she hurts and she is scared of storms.  I even bought her a memory foam bed for her insulated custom dog condo. She is more human and reasonable than some people I know. What to do?

We have the “put her down” talk every winter. I just feel so bad that she is outside when it’s cold. Yes, I realize she is a dog and they are used to that... but I want her to be comfortable in her final years, and we would have to hire a back hoe to bury her. So the time is upon us once again to have the talk about Oprah.

Because I’m chickenshit, she has another winter coming. I can’t be the one to call the shots and say that your time is up. I only pull that shit at the red box. I guess she’ll be leaving her coat and boots out for another year.    

School pictures and constipation.....

I am on the edge. I am a bad ass bitch and just like the song says, she cracks her knuckles and looks for a fight. I am just over tired and cannot control what is coming from my mouth anymore. I really don’t give a shit. I ripped a tag off a mattress today. Yeah, I know I’m living on the edge, what are you gonna do about it?

I sit and look at the school pictures placed before me. My children look homeless. How is it that you plan out their haircuts, outfits, accessories, etc. and from the time they leave your car and sit down in the photographer’s chair, they look homeless? Like they are dressed from your neighbor’s yard sale?           

I just don’t understand how this can happen and now I have to pay 45$ per kid for a bunch of shitty pictures. Yes, I have too. Otherwise they are the only kids in their class that returns their photos without buying. Therefore their parents are douches. I’m not a douche.

Why must things be so hard? Why can’t I just not buy the stupid bad school pictures? I must. That is what good parent’s do, they buy the good pictures and the bad pictures. Now 45 dollars times 4 kids is 180 dollars. That is a week’s groceries in bad pictures, but at least I will have captured all the “phases” of the children’s lives and hopefully we won't have to eat them.

My oldest called me today from school to tell me he had to be picked up. I of course ask why, and ….he had to poop. Yes, poop. He couldn’t pinch it off at school or choke it off for another hour? He HAD to be picked up. What is the school system coming to when you can’t get decent school pictures and can’t shit at school?

What is it about men and pooping? They have to be at home, on their regular schedule, strip off naked, not be bothered to poop. Women have been crapping with an audience and I would say that ¾ have had the bathroom door at a restaurant swung open by a corralled child whilst trying to take a quiet dump in a bathroom restroom. Why are men so different? They think that if they skip a day then they are constipated. Constipated to me means that you are shitting rabbit balls and blood. Missing a day does not constitute constipation.

What exactly is the world coming to? I don’t know if I’m prepared to live life this way, not pooping in public, paying for bad pictures and frankly I don’t know if I want to. I’m a bad ass bitch.

Fall Break is over and I still have all 4 kids

                 

I am not the only parent who is so glad fall break is over. I can’t be. They are liars. I am not that bad of a person to wish that I could have just a moment to myself. I want to shit without an audience, I want to have sex without worrying that the kids are making a pipe bomb or have let in the Jehovah’s witnesses. I am never alone. That is why I eat….to soothe my soul and get my nerves calmed down. Little Debbie is a great listener and has never told me no.

I don’t remember being as “busy” as these kids are. Perhaps I was and have blocked it out and if I was then I sincerely apologize to my mother as she must have loved us if we lived through it. The silver lining is that someday my children may be parents. That is when the fun begins. That is when it becomes fulfilling. I can’t wait until my kids grow up and Jeremy and I can visit, and do unto them as they have done unto us.

 We are already compiling a list:

1.       Jeremy will piss all over the bathroom, especially behind the toilet where they have to get on their hands and knees to clean it up. Hopefully enough to rot out the floor.

2.       Drawing on everything they own and cherish with a black sharpie that I seem to pull out of my ass.

3.       Answering the phone and tell people that mama is pooping.

4.       Leave a window open with the AC or heat running

5.       Leave the water hose just dripping.

6.       Randomly drop off animals at their front door.

7.       Hide their mail, keys, pager, etc.

8.       At least once, shit behind a couch

9.       Flush at least one wash cloth down the main toilet

10.   Leave their car doors open thus running down the battery

11.   Hide a random milk cup somewhere until you have cheese

12.   Fill the couch cushions with wrappers, pencils, and miscellaneous items

13.   Stain everything they own with red Kool Aid especially the refrigerator. If at all possible I would like to pour an entire container in the fridge.

14.   Leave “hard to spot” items in the yard to ruin the lawn mower

15.   Constantly leave crumbs on a freshly wiped counter

This is not a complete list of course, I would need more time than is allotted to give a complete list but you get the gist. It’s not that I want to punish my children, I just want to prove to them that our love is the only thing that kept them alive.                                 

I guess mama did know best...

                        Oh the days of floor nursing…how I remember and still feel it every day. I do not have any idea how my mother is still doing it. The very act of taking care of more than one patient actually has the same effect on me as having a mouthful of coins. It is getting worse for every nurse on every floor, every day as patients are sicker and staffing is tighter.

            I have officially turned into an old lady. I ache and hurt, I constantly complain to myself or anyone who will make eye contact with me. I have tried every over the counter pain medication pill, cream, patch, etc. and if there were a suppository, I’d give it a shot. Just like Ralphie on A Christmas Story, my personal preference is for Bio freeze but it’s pretty expensive so I usually get the generic named something stupid like Equatofreeze (Wal Mart).

            I feel like my career of taking care of others has ruined me both physically and emotionally... I remember when my mother would come home from work and wasn’t interested in our aches and pains and her generic response was “take some Tylenol, take a bath, and go to bed”. That cures most things as we lived through to adulthood. Also the fact that we consumed enough charcoal to keep any poisons at bay helped. We’ll just say that she was easily “distracted” while cooking, now granted it’s probably because she was breaking up a fight between me and my siblings.

            I now understand those feelings of “I can’t listen to you whine anymore” that I’m sure that she must have felt when we came to her with our petty complaints. I don’t wish to be bothered either when I’m sure that I feel worse than they do.                                                                                                                  When people enter the doctor’s office or hospital, they have an expectation of the care that they SHOULD receive... It is often times NOT the care they do receive.

            A lot of people remember the days that you WERE GIVEN a bath, a back rub, saw your family doctor, etc. Now you’re lucky to if you get a bath, see a doctor, and get a sleeping pill. Things like back rubs are now a thing of the past, we pay for that shit on the outside. Just pretend that the hospital has the same services as a federal prison with better healthcare and the fact you can sign out if you want to.    

            Seriously, nurses are so overwhelmed with dealing with the basics of actual nursing care there is no room for extras. Nurses and nurses’ aides are the over looked population of public servants. Everyone wants to thank a police officer, firefighter, or teacher but no one wants to thank the one who saves your life. I know what you’re thinking, they get paid soooo much.

 Bullshit. Teachers starting salary in my state is much more than a new graduate registered nurse. It’s not really that much when you consider that a police officer wouldn’t wipe a stranger’s ass for what we make. Just saying that ALL public servants need recognition.

            I think the hardest part of dealing with direct patient care is dealing with the family members of the ill. They can be the greatest part of your day, or your worst nightmare. There are many different categories of difficult families and I would like to go over a few of the most notable:

The never show up’s, the hoverers, the know it all’s, the impaired, and the smart asses, I will try to break it down for you.

The never show up’s: A family that never show up until the day your patient is to be discharged and they want to see the doctor, are unsatisfied with their care, question every decision and are at the station wanting to talk to you constantly, but didn’t show up when mama was having surgery.

The Hoverer’s:  A family that is constantly at the nurses station whether with a valid need or not. They are often somehow associated with the medical field and want to show you they are one of your “kind” and know the lingo. They are known to come into other patient’s rooms to hunt you down because they have thought of something else to ask you that really could have waited.

The know it all’s: A family of “educated” folk who may or may not have at least a LPN in the distant family. This family member educates the whole family in what is the “right” way that mama’s nurse SHOULD be doing. There is usually at least 50 or so that are tail-gating somewhere in the vicinity of the hospital.

The Impaired: A family who has problems of their own. Their hospitalized family member usually has a condition that is very “painful” and makes them very “anxious”. There first order of business is usually to make sure that their family member will have pain and anxiety medication as a first order of business. They often are parents or spouses of the patient….there are also the occasions where you take care of the impaired family member more than the actual patient. This population has a high rate of “transferring or sharing” their medications with your patient.

The smart-asses: This could be a combination of all of the above family members and can be one of the hardest of manage because they are angry right off the gun. They are outright defensive and don’t hesitate to ask for the nurse in charge. They are often belligerent, impaired, stupid, and mobile making them hard to get away from. They are used to bullying their way to the top. They are assholes.

            Every ache and pain, every memory I have earned through direct patient care. It is a valuable tool as you learn time management, customer service, and dispute resolution….oh yeah, and some nursing. I am so thankful for my years of service at the bedside, my body is thankful for the new line of nursing that I am privileged to be a part of and I understand now why my mother reacted the way that she did. Now every time my children gripe and complain I tell them the exact same thing she did, take a bath, a Tylenol, and go to bed. Not bad advice after all.

I've done worse things for money

            Oh my, we now have great news. We are going home. Charleigh Joe has been discharged and she is on the mend. She told me the ice cream here was “too good”. I hope that she doesn’t want to stay just for the treats. I know that mama is ready for us to come home. We face timed her this morning and I’m not so sure she wasn’t drunk and I can’t blame her.

Oh lord, how am I going to pay for all of this? It’s just now sinking in that these “vacations and procedures, and hospital stays” are going to cost money and since I am barely making ends meet now, I need to explore my options….

            I already work full time taking extra call as I can, sell Mary Kay, it’s not doing as well as I had hoped but it’s still making some profit. I am an avid Craigslist reader, perhaps I could offer my “services” to those in need but I need to get the money up front on a PayPal account before they see me, otherwise I’m screwed. NO ONE is gonna pay money for as “standard” with this girl.

            Maybe there is someone out there who is looking for a soft, doughy, mother-like woman to boss them around? Someone they could large amounts of money to tell them how to do things, what they are doing wrong, and maybe do some of their laundry provided that they have the appropriate products. The appropriate products would be Gain original scent powder, fabric softener, and dryer sheets.         

            I highly doubt anyone out there needs a cranky housewife (on loan of course) so I guess I’ll just have to figure out other ways to pay these bills. I am quite skilled at a lot of different things, none of which my marital vows will permit me to do. I have a lot of kids but the law stands in the way of that one. I guess I could teach them to quilt or make Amish stoves or something.

 Matthew is a big boy who is capable of doing some manual labor, he just won’t want to turn over that money. Wyatt is quite a salesman and could help with the selling of these products. Cooper however, that may be a problem or a blessing. He is a “people person” who likes to get to know every single person he meets, complete with exchanging personal information and he also won’t let a sale get away. I may have the perfect combination if I can figure out what we can make. Damn those Amish for having the money for those commercials!

Jeremy can help with transportation and “other services”. I would release him to perform if the price was right. Now, we aren’t talking about 50.00$, it’s gotta be at least 2 Benjamin’s to get my attention, and some things are off limits.

Oh if I had been born rich instead of beau…poor. I wish that I could work at my leisure and have the money to provide a decent lifestyle for my family. I wish that I could be the best mom in the world, but I don’t know exactly what that means but, I’ve never gotten a trophy. I would settle for a trophy, any kind of trophy….

Oh well, I guess that Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital will just have to go on the list of people I owe money to and get their measly 50.00$ per month for the rest of my life. But if anyone knows someone looking for a Craigslist “mama”, please give them my name. I would be willing to stretch the work duties to include some non-penetration motherly activities such as baths, diaper changes (you must provide your own diapers), nursing and naptime. This of course will be on the more expensive end of my services. I will not wash bottles, provide diapers, diaper cream, and formula/juice.

If any of this sounds like it could be “your cup of tea” and you have the Ben’s to back it up, look for me on Craigslist, codename Mary Kay! 

I think I have Christmas' have to get items already lined up!

            SO here I am, still at Vandy. I’m so thankful that they have a washer and dryer for our use or otherwise I would be wearing a patient gown by now. Being that they are pediatric gowns, that makes it worse. It would be like the dude with the 150lb scrotum who wears a hoodie upside down as pants. Yeah, now you’re picturing it….Not pretty.

            I slept ok last night. Another late night IV restart. Apparently I am the only one who goes to bed at 2030-2100. I was so tired and had to wait for them to restart her IV, because it kind of looks bad for the mother to be sleeping through the child’s procedure and her screaming her head off. Might get a social service consult and some of the children aren’t trained well enough to answer the questions the “right” way yet.

            We are awaiting her triple procedure where they are going to do an extensive ENT exam, an EGD, and a Bronchoscopy all under anesthesia. As it turns out she also tested positive for 2 different respiratory viruses as well. I had no idea what they were when they told me the names so I waited til they left and googled them. I told mama and she got all upset thinking they were STD’s. I ask Charleigh Joe and she said she always uses latex condoms, so that’s good.

            After I settled her down and explained what I found on google she seemed satisfied. We have had such good care here at Vanderbilt. I could not ask for anything better except perhaps a king sized bed because Neville’s sleep better in two’s. Jeremy is in a recliner, Charleigh Joe is in a crib (she never had one at home), and I am on the “sleeper sofa”. We are all apart.

            When I awoke at 4 I went ahead and took my Lasix so I could get that out of the way and Jeremy moved to the “sleeper sofa”. I put Charleigh Joe in the bed with him and they were two peas in a pod. I can’t wait til we get back home and are crowded up in our bed together.

            Charleigh Joe was reunited with Elmo yesterday when mama came to visit. She was so happy to see everyone, it was like a Hallmark Christmas special when she saw Cooper. My reaction was a little different….Mama brought her favorite toy Elmo to be with her. I’m a bit ashamed as Elmo looks like homeless, crack head, tranny Elmo. Let me explain…..

            When Elmo was purchased last year for Christmas he was pristine and perfect. When you have been drug through all types of terrain, vomited on, sneezed on, fought over, etc. one becomes a bit haggard looking. Then one day when I was putting Charleigh Joe’s hair in pigtails, she wanted Elmo’s done as well. That was hard as he was already matted but I actually succeeded and now he has two ratty pigtails, thus he looks like homeless, crack head, tranny Elmo. Sure to be this year’s big Christmas “have to get” gift for the children, and the “nut hoodie” for the guys!

When is the appropriate time to talk to your children about Thalidomide?

We are still at Vanderbilt. The plan is to organize a group procedure involving gastroenterology, ENT, and pulmonology to all scope and look while Charleigh Joe is sedated. I met all of her doctors and the millions of residents today. They all gathered and spoke as if they had written a paper and were reciting it. The word hemoptysis was mispronounced and I giggled. We have all been there. I’m still there with angina.

Charleigh Joe has really perked up a lot since yesterday. I am happy to report that she has had no further bleeding. Mama brought Wyatt and Cooper to see her and she almost cried when she saw Cooper. So did I but for other reasons. He is like a good looking, friendly tornado that you can’t run from and I am like a trailer park without restrictions.

Props to my mother, brother, and sister in law for all their help with the boys and home things. I am forever in their debt. I heard that Chad was doing hand stands on the back deck of our house. What a coincidence, I was doing them in the airport yesterday trying to get someone’s attention as telling the tale of a critically ill child wasn’t working. Assholes.

When the boys came with mama, we decided to go downstairs and eat in the cafeteria. I knew we had made a mistake as soon as we walked in and saw the guy with the thalidomide arms. As I looked around we had a barrage of different anomalies that at least one of my children would LOUDLY point out and thereby humiliating me AND the fingered person.    

I steered the children toward the back of the cafeteria where mostly workers were seated and practically engaged them in conversation about anything just to keep their eyes on me. I remember as a child having to sit in the car at Jerry’s IGA while mama went in for some item. I was probably 8 or so and my brother Chad was in the back seat.

I distinctly remember the panic and fear that fell over me when my brother shot his arm out of the window and yelled, “Look at her boobies He was pointing at a large, buxom, unrestrained woman walking past our car. I wanted to die. She had heard. The buxom, braless lady was standing right there about to pull him from the parked car as my mother walked upon the scene. It seems that I have blocked out what happened next. I don’t really want to know what happened.

Still, I am aware that things like that happen every day and now I try to prepare as much as possible to avoid situations as much as I can. This just isn’t a good place to try to explain that whole, “not everyone is the same” type stuff to the kids. They will eventually catch on when they start riding the school bus. They can learn just like we did.

Again I would like to thank everyone that has called, text, prayed, and even thought about us over the past few days. I have felt and been lifted up in bad times and I know it is your spirits lifting me up and helping me through this….Love everyone and I’ll keep you updated as things arise!

Valuable lessons learned, some of them the hard way...

            Still at the hospital. Just woken up by Charleigh Joe’s nurse. She has a fever, Charleigh Joe not the nurse. They are sending the IV therapy team to draw blood cultures. Great. It’s 0036 and we are gonna wake up the baby for blood. Well, there goes my Ambien dose.

            I’m sleeping on a pull out bed which is not too bad. Except I have on clothes and every time that I turn over I have to readjust my clothing as one must wear pants in public, even when sleeping and especially on a children’s ward. It just looks bad, you know.

            So I am here waiting for the IV team and I decided to tell everyone all of the great things we did on our vacation.

1.       Stayed pissed off and medicated all day the first day as our flight was delayed and we were farmed out like sex workers to different flights at different times. None of them were direct.

2.      We drove 2 hours through the hood because that is what the GPS told us to do and we didn’t want to get even more lost around that area.

3.      We arrived at our final destination at around 10pm.

4.     We were introduced to some awesome 2^nd cousins who are now old enough to fool with.

5.      We met some interesting dogs that had more instructions than an IKEA table.

6.      We worried and cried over the news that our baby was sick and being taken to the hospital.

7.     We worried and cried over the news that our baby was sick and being taken to the hospital.

8.      We learned that the KOHL’S in Burlington, WI has much better clearance stuff than ours in Cookeville, TN.

9.      We learned how to stuff our suitcases full of the clearance items that we acquired in the KOHL’S without having to check and additional bag for 25.oo$.

10.   We worried and cried over the news that our baby was sick and being taken to the hospital

11.   I learned that some people are shameless and selfish. As I was openly sobbing and asking for someone to please let me have their seat explaining that I had a very sick child, not one person stepped forward. The airline even offered that person 300.00 credit on any flight and yet no one stepped forward. One gentleman gave me some tissues.

12.  I learned that some airline “desk people” take a course in desensitization training. For example, I am at a desk crying and sobbing telling this gentleman about my problem and another passenger stepped forward ready to give her seat up and let me fly in her place. The airline employee calls security on me and reports a hysterical woman at his desk and sends me 3 terminals down to talk to the supervisor. Meanwhile, he quietly boards his flight along with the passenger who agreed to switch seats.

13.  I learned that wishing someone was bitten by a poisonous snake was a negative thought, but it made me feel better.

14.  I learned that seeing my baby at Vanderbilt hospital being taken care of so well was worth all the strife we had been through to get there. She smiled at me and all was forgotten.

15.  I learned that when she saw her daddy, it was more emotional than Peter coming home on Christmas morning (Christmas Folgers commercial) when she started running towards him dragging and IV pole.

16.  I learned that my mother looks like a jail inmate in disposable pants and a white t-shirt.

17.  I learned that I have some great friends who checked on, prayed for, and held my family together until and after I arrived to see my baby.

18.   I learned that there are still nurses and doctors who care about their patients.

19.   I learned that bubbles can still make someone laugh, especially adults.

20.  I learned that I have been blessed in so many ways, I could not even begin to express my thanks and gratitude for what I have been given.

With all of my new discoveries that there is still good in the world, and that makes me happy. I had resigned myself that everyone was scorned and that everything would work itself out even if I had no control over it.

I am blessed, loved, and I will never go away again.

Stuck in Chicago, trying to make it to my baby

            We have been up since 5am trying to get home to the children. We left our “shady day inn” too early to enjoy the continental breakfast with the cavemen who were in there shirtless and shoeless. Darn!

            We arrived at the Milwaukee airport without incident and I was immediately able to board a flight to Chicago, which was our only stop. There was only one seat and Jeremy stayed behind and they got him on a sooner flight as well. I thought our day was going to be better. I was wrong.

            The doctor called and got consent to give my baby blood. I can’t believe I’m not there. I should be there. I am her mother. I am perfectly aware that my mother is able to handle any situation that comes up but I am her mother and I want to be the one making the decisions and sacrificing in her name.  

            I have had several calls and texts in regards to my Charleigh Joe and I appreciate every one of them. I know she is loved very much and she has a great cheering/praying section. Obviously a lot more than Lane KIffen……We hope to arrive (if our plane will cooperate) in Nashville around 6:15pm where we have someone waiting to chauffer us to see our girl.            

            We have already made the decision that I would be the one to stay with her tonight as I will not leave her and Jeremy doesn’t want a scene. He’s not that kind of guy.

            The girls from daycare and work have been awesome. My mother has an expensive SUV full of hair and makeup that care about her on their way down there right now. Seriously, these girls are the bomb. My girls from work are calling and texting to make sure that they let me know they will help in any way possible. I really am so lucky to have the incriminating pictures that I have of them and that….never mind. I really have good friends.

            I hope the next time I write I will be able to tell you how much better my Charleigh Joe is doing and we will be going home soon. Again, thank you to everyone who has called, text, prayed, stood behind me, etc. during this hard time. I am always in your debt.

Love,

Farrah Joe and Jeremy Nipple

Boy I wish I were home.....

Day 3 in Captivity:

            Last night I received a phone call from my mother around midnight when she informed me that she was on her way to the ER with my daughter Charleigh Joe. According to mama Charleigh Joe had vomited a large quantity of bright red blood, enough to scare my mother who is not easily upset.

            I was already asleep and I thought that my bad luck/karma/negative occurrences had passed, little did I know the worst was yet to come. Once she arrived at the ER, she had lab work and CT scans and it was decided that she needed a higher level of care and was transferred to Vanderbilt Children’s hospital via ambulance early this morning. 

            Of course I tried to find a flight out and was unsuccessful in finding one for less than 700 dollars. My mother assured me that she was fine and that I should not worry, she was going to be with her and my other children were going to be with my brother Chad and his wife Megan.            

            Jeremy and I fretted all night and day and by this afternoon, mama was satisfied that she was fine and it was probably sinus related. She started bleeding again this evening and has been type and crossed for blood transfusions, has continued to run a fever despite fluid bolus’, and antibiotics. My mother and my baby are all alone in this huge hospital and I have never felt so helpless in all of my life.

            If I had known any of this would happen I would have never set foot out of the state of Tennessee. We have a flight out tomorrow but it is not a direct flight and we will not arrive until around 5pm. All I really want is to go home and I will not venture out without a great reason ever again. I feel as if I have traded a little pleasure on my behalf on the backs of my family. Guilt is overwhelming and I am drowning.

            I sit in our hotel room, keeping check on my phone, making sure it’s charged, etc. It’s as if I can will the situation to change. My mother is so worn out and I can’t do anything about it. My daughter is so sick and I can’t do anything about it. My sons are being watched by my family and everyone is away from me. I knew my instincts were right. I’m not cut out for traveling.

            I realize that this did not happen because I decided to travel, but I could have been home so that I could have taken care of it myself and comforted my other children. I am very glad to have seen my family but I sure wish I was home.

 

Nipples? Really?

Day 2 of Captivity

            We slept like logs the first night as a combination of stress letdown and chemicals. Last night was not as great. Jeremy was ill after supper was served and I encouraged him to lie down. I suspect he had a case of too much company-itis. I don’t blame him, it’s a lot to take in.

            We spent the day running errands with my cousin Stef. We drove to Burlington and saw my cousin Melissa. Today we plan on travelling to town by ourselves to do some shopping. I tell ya, I could do some shopping on the side of the road around here. There are some Pinterest ideas just waiting to happen. There is a guy with a heavy wooden door with 4 glass panels just sitting out by the curb for the trash man and then we saw one of the old wooden floor model TV’s. Someone could really use that for a TV stand if they don’t already have one. These northerners probably never heard of that. When the console TV goes out, you just stack the new TV on top of the Console and use it as a stand. You just have to find a new place for your porcelain kittens and Precious Moments figurines.

            The house I am staying in is that of my cousin Stef and her family. We have the master suite given to us by them for our disposal. Let me say, the master bed Is HEAVEN. She has taken such care to make us at home and apparently she is a bed slut just like me. She calls it a “bed snob” but the truth is we would do anything for nice linens, so that makes us sluts.

            Last night in the middle of my slumber, I felt a presence toward the back of my head. I turned in the darkness and was promptly attacked by a cat I could not identify. I not so politely shoved the beast from the bed, but lost some epidermis and blood in the end. I find that cats like these are bastards. They wait until you are asleep and then attack a slumbering victim only to raise their own self esteem. Bastards!

            There are also 2 very large greyhounds at this residence (as indicated at every exit by instructions for care of the dogs). Whew, they are totally different in personality. The female named Shelby is snobby and moody, while the male named Friend Lee is loveable and very friendly to everyone. I will have to say for the record, I have seen them BOTH do things to a stuffed Winnie the Pooh bear and a NEMO stuffed animal that no child’s toy should have to go through. I will give no further information because I will not victimize the stuffed friends, but you get the point.

            We are still alive. I say this because those of you who know how I feel about traveling may wonder if I am truly writing this or this is an imposter. It’s me, missing my kids, but having a good time. I’m about to go and hit up this place’s Goodwill and see what treasures I can find. Hopefully I will sign in later and let you know some good news.

            Oh, and on a side note yesterday Stef, Jeremy and I went to Starbucks. They ask for your name to add to your cup. They are northerners and I am giver her my name “Neville”. She writes something on the cup and then looks back up at me questioningly, and asks again. I said Neville like Devil. I look at the cup and she has written Nipple…..Yes, I’m that as well.

The first part of my passage......

                Well, we are finally here. It ONLY took 16 hours of traveling by car, plane, and broom to get here (it’s a 12 hour drive). We are exhausted. I medicated all day just to keep from going to jail. Nothing happened as scheduled. I have experienced a lot of heartache and misery on this trip and I figured out one thing. If you take enough benzo’s, you can do anything.

            We awoke at 0300 to get up start our trip. We arrived at Nashville International Airport 2 hours ahead of schedule, just as we had been informed to do.  We were going to follow all the rules today, nothing was left to chance. We measured our suitcases so we could carry on, we measured our fluids and they were all in quart zip lock bags just as we should have. I left my samurai swords and throwing stars at home just as the website said. I was prepared, but not for what happened.

            We arrived in the airport, checked in and began the process of getting our final plans in order. I was sure there was nothing that I had not planned ahead for. I had decided that since our flight was at 0800, then I would take my medicine at 0700.

 I took my medicine and waited for the meds to “kick in”. At 0730 we were informed that our flight was delayed and I was worried that I would not be medicated enough when we actually boarded and the awful “take off moment” when I usually burst into tears. Literally lose control of my functions and begin to know that I am going to die.

            There was another direct flight leaving at 0853, so when they called for the 0853 group to line up I immediately knew there was a problem.

            Shortly thereafter we were called to the desk and informed that our flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem and we were to reschedule. My immediate thought was to tell them to fuck off, that we deserved to go on the 0853 flight instead of the losers who just showed up. My medication told me to get in line and be nice. So I did.

            After I waited in line for over an hour and the last 2 tickets for the 1100 flight to Chicago were issued to the couple right in front of me. I almost lost it. I was contemplating actually getting physical with the airline personnel. My klonopin said, “Wait Farrah Joe, see what they are going to do.”

I listened to the inner voice and they arranged for a flight from Nashville to Atlanta, and then Atlanta to Chicago Midway (I was originally booked for Nashville to Chicago O’Hare) through another airline. I agreed to the change even though it required me to experience the “take-off tears” twice instead of once.

            We immediately went over to the Delta counter and were informed that yes, we did have tickets but they were not seated together……..Really! Are you kidding me? Now I have to cry and carry on next to a stranger? The airline (behind the counter personnel) were of no help. They would not announce for the other passengers to come to the desk so I could plead for assistance in the seating arrangements. She made me beg once we were seated for someone to switch so we could be together.       

            Thankfully some nice lady agreed to switch and let Jeremy and I sit next together in the 3 seat side. I sat next to a gentleman who seemed offended at my presence and the presence of my comfort pillow. I informed him of my fear of flying and that I would probably begin crying very quickly once the plane started to taxi.

            I am proud to tell everyone that I did not shed a single tear, at either take off. I am so happy to say that my medication (redosed 3 times) worked and I was alert enough to function but also relaxed enough to make it through the trip. I thought that when we landed at Midway, our troubles were over. We were an hour and a half drive to our destination. I would be wrong.

            When we got to our rental car place, another setback. After an hour and a half of haggling over the car we reserved, we departed in our Nissan Altima, exhausted and ready for bed. My husband is a saint. I will say that again, my husband Is a saint. He was calm and reasonable the whole time. I could not have ask for anything more from him.

            We arrived at our family’s house where we were staying around 2200. We were exhausted, stumbling idiots. I could have kissed their threshold. They have made it so nice and relaxing. We slept well and were ready for the next day. Thank God for Klonopin, it kept me out of the hospital or jail.

My stay at home pirate

          As I write this as my favorite scene from Magic Mike is on, you ladies know what I’m talking about. My trip is in the morning. I am so nervous, I have shit 40 times today. I am busy trying to make last minute decisions and plans and my husband has spent 60% of the day cleaning and 40% watching parakeet videos on You Tube.

          Yes parakeet videos, as he is determined to help our birds to find “their voice”. He walks around cleaning and doing laundry with the birds on his shoulder. My own “stay at home pirate”. He’s actually brilliant, I have seen the effort he has put into training these birds. Apparently they must be stupid. Great, stupid birds and a committed pirate, not a good combination.

          Jeremy has gone to town to take the kids to mama’s house because we have to leave so early in the morning. I don’t know what I will do without them. Perhaps I can eat my dinner while it is still hot, sleep until I wake up, no laundry or fights. I will be totally miserable.

          I have never been away from them like this. My mother will be ready to commit a felony in order to get away from them. She has no idea what she is in for….or maybe she does, who knows.

          I’m about to start packing and finish watching Matteo in the sleaziest role I can even imagine. He actually makes YOU feel dirty just watching him. It’s a good dirty though. This movie reminds me to going to the theatre with Tammy and Erica, two of my friends. It is a fond memory, too bad they are sluts just not as bad as Jeri Lynn…..

         

Why are 10 year olds questions so awkward?

          I left work early today, I had so much to do and there was plenty of staff for the work we had. I promptly came home and went straight to bed. I took a 2 hour nap and then spent an hour beating myself for not accomplishing the things that I specifically reasoned with myself that needed to be done. I am a loser.

          Since I am such a loser, I offered to go to Cookeville and pick up Charleigh Joe from daycare, everyone decided they wanted to go as well. Great. A van full of minors who constantly fight and are just out of arms reach. I didn’t think it possible but it finally happened, 5 people in one van having 5 different conversations, none of them related…..

          No one can understand. Wyatt ask me on the way home if you could die from insanity and I replied yes. He ask how and I said suicide or death row. He didn’t think that was funny. He also ask me if you could get breast cancer from getting your nipples twisted (as in a purple nurple for the parents). I told him if that was true then daddy would be on hospice by now. There must be something about that age that brings out awkward questions.

          That brings me to a memory of Matthew when he was about 10 or so. We were watching some form of crime show in the living room and the investigators discovered semen in the van. Matthew turned to me and ask me what semen was…..I folded and I told him they were men who worked on a ship. From my experience, sex education is 7^th grade’s responsibility. lol.

          So now I’m home and hating my own guts for that stupid evening nap. What was I thinking? I’ll never sleep tonight. I guess I’ll remember that next time I want to come home and “be productive”, maybe I should just consider taking a nap and not feel guilty about what I actually get accomplished.

The things we do for money, and cheetos

          Oh, the joys of parenthood, I have successfully explored everything that I can possibly handle for the night. Wyatt has ask for a stress ball and some acne wipes. Cooper and my nephew Pierson had a punching match followed by playing babies with Charleigh Joe. I think the birds are having an argument….

          I’m ready for bed.  I have broken up fights, put kids in time out, and disciplined more than I want to, and then I came home from work. I am exhausted.

My sister in law Megan came by and did my nails at my request. She is so good to me. She’s one of those girls who is 7 feet tall and all legs…. Blonde, gorgeous, smart, and down to earth… what a bitch.  She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and made it look hot. Sometimes I hate myself. I swear I’m going to stop eating….

          Sadly that never works. I always give in, I’m not as committed as those monks who set themselves on fire or Kirstie Alley. Bless her heart she and Oprah have dropped more weight than a Navy warship and still end up fat. I guess I shouldn’t talk about my own kind that way, bless their hearts.

          As this trip nears, I find myself becoming more anxious. I even applied the wrong eyeliner this morning. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I take my eye makeup very seriously. I AM a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant and I take my job very seriously. My stress is showing on my skin, I’m broke out 14 year old boy combined with a bearded lady. I don’t know how much more I can take. My moustache is even turning gray for God’s sake!

          Surely everything will be ok. I can’t be so unlucky as to actually be involved in an incident. I don’t know if my skin can handle that and I will never be able to go without carbs in an institution. There are places I can’t go and without carbs is one of them.

 I am carb dependent! I know how it will go down….I will be admitted and be deemed obese and be started on a diet of mulch and water. After several fistfights with staff over food, I will end up transported to jail. I’m not too proud to start braiding bitches hair for Cheetos. We all have to do what we have to do to survive and I for one don’t judge, or rule anything out.

My children will be scattered to the wind as my mother has always warned me that if I ran off my husband she would leave town to avoid responsibility as a grandparent. Isn’t that pretty of her to say! My angels would never do anything to cause her distress.

Speaking of stress the current government shutdown comes to mind, shouldn’t the jails close? I don’t understand what all this stuff mean. Perhaps I am just an idiot but I don’t get it. How does the government shut down, it’s not a factory or a 7-eleven, it’s not sold out or out of stock. It seems like to me that if it is “shut down” then perhaps we should explore other financial options.

Perhaps I could recruit some of the better looking ones to sell Mary Kay or some of the not so great looking ones to do medical videos. From what I hear they won’t show your face and its cash money. Just sayin, a lot of us have done worse to support our own households. For the elected officials who have not forfeited their own paychecks but put others out of a job, Anderson Cooper is watching you and I hope he outs you like Doogie Houser at election time.

On a more positive note, my home medical video from school, the one with the strange guy from work, got a 50/50 possible points. He has also agreed to do the next 3 videos for me and finish out the semester. I didn’t tell him I only needed 2 more……

I guess I’m feeling prolific today….

One of the most nonproductive days I have had in a while. I awoke at the break of dawn only to be tired all day. I am on call. I have done homework and listened to TV all day. On the weekends I am reminded of the reasons I am not a stay at home mom. I despise the ridiculous cartoons they air these days, all the farting and rumbling through the cabinets as if the food fairy had been spotted.

I read a post on FB that reminded me of some of the things that make me livid. Why do they feel as if they must glue the first sheet of toilet paper? I completely understand this concept. Why must we continue to be tortured by these small things? I am going to use this time to list some of the things that bother me that perhaps also bother you that I encounter in day to day life.

·         Why must people count in public, just do it once and then bust your kid’s ass.

·         Don’t take out the trash and not replace the bag, really? And then actually throw trash into the bag less receptacle. Asshole.

·         Why does a freshly wiped countertop make everyone want a sandwich?

·         High waisted clothes, the 90’s called….

·         Why does dog shit smell worse than human shit, only when it’s on a child’s shoe? And it’s in the floor mats in your car.

·         Why doesn’t anyone use the first 2 or last 2 slices of bread? It’s still bread.

·         Why does Hardees drive thru always try to sell you something else? Or interrupt you while you are trying to order? Perhaps you would know how I like my thick burger if you would just shut the fuck up.

·         Why do people incessantly knock or rattle the door handle when you are taking a shit in a public bathroom? They have obviously been waiting and haven’t seen you leave. Do they intentionally want to piss you off? Do they like the smell of others shit?

·         Why are the plus size clothes always in a tiny corner in the back of the store? Isn’t it obvious we need more room?

·         Why did sunroofs always leak? No matter what?

·         Why are T-Tops still available in cars?

·         Why are the perfumes White Shoulders or White Diamonds still available?

·         People who push the button on the elevator while you have already pushed it and the light is obviously on….I’m not standing here for fun.

·         People who think that all black people know each other, or that all fat people need thigh powder.

·         People who park in handicap parking spaces that drop off the handicap person at the entrance of the building? What’s up with that? Doesn’t that negate the need for the special parking?

·         Overweight women who wear shirts that are too short or knit pants.

·         People who brag about everything.

·         The one-upper, you know the guy who has more and better stuff/experiences than you? Everyone knows one and we avoid conversations with them.

·         People who take pictures of landscapes, and force you to look at them. I don’t care about the sunset or the bushes. I don’t want to act like it either.

·         Women who hover over the toilet seat and piss all over it. Fuck you.

 

This is just a small list of the crap that pisses me off. Please don’t be offended, it’s informational. Feel free to add your complaints to the comments section of this post. I won’t be offended.